


Remember Me When I’m Gone

by baeconandeggs, baeksbabygirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, BAE2017, Character Death, M/M, Memory Loss, Phoenixes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 04:16:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10868931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeksbabygirl/pseuds/baeksbabygirl
Summary: Baekhyun and Chanyeol could have eternity together if Chanyeol didn’t forget Baekhyun every time he was reborn.





	Remember Me When I’m Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: 316  
> Title: Remember Me When I’m Gone  
> Word Count: 25k  
> Side Pairings: brief mention of Xiuchen  
> Rating: R  
> Warnings: (spoilers) major character death, mention of attempted suicide and self-harm (brief, non-descript mention), memory loss, 
> 
> Author’s Note: Soooo this is probably not what you wanted at all prompter, but I really hope you like it because I worked so hard on this fic, I swear. I really do hope you like it and aren’t too upset with the end result. I want to thank my beta/alpha reader K because you legit saved me towards the end of this fic <3 and also to E and N for giving me some input as well, even if I didn’t actually take your advice (oops!) And to all the people in my group chat as well who kept encouraging me to finish when it was really difficult at times! Thank you all so much, and I really hope you enjoy!

 

  ** _Burn_**

****

_“I don’t want this to end. Not now, not ever.” He whispered, fingers drawing little curlicues in the shadows of Chanyeol’s skin. Baekhyun had never felt like this for anyone in his entire life, and though his life had not been relatively long when the two had first been introduced, he still felt something._

_Something that sparked a flame deep inside of him that he refused to let extinguish. And he wasn’t even the one with the affinity for fire._

_“It doesn’t have to end.” Chanyeol said, hands roaming Baekhyun’s body as he looked back down at the boy. They were both young, only two decades into this life time, and though neither of them knew how long they would live for, they were both immortal. They both knew that they had several years to look forward to. Whether it was together or otherwise._

_Baekhyun fervently hoped that it was together, but with Chanyeol being a Phoenix, he had his doubts._

_Chanyeol looked down at him – he who refused to stop pouting as his thoughts swirled dangerously in his head. The thing with being immortal, and also not knowing exactly what you were, was that there was this dark blanket clouding your vision at all times. Even if Baekhyun was young, even if he had eternity to look forward to, he so often wondered what eternity would look like alone that it scared him into speechlessness. He wasn’t very often the type to be speechless, soundless, but these days – even with Chanyeol at his side – he was frightened of the future._

_Something that he wasn’t sure other immortals dealt with. Especially as the only other one he truly knew and cared for was Chanyeol._

_“Things will be fine, Baek.” His lover murmured – and they were lovers. More than that, Baekhyun had realized a while ago. Soul mates, if there was ever such a thing. Mates in the easiest sense of the word. They were at least something to one another, and the way they defined it was…by not defining it at all. The one time that Chanyeol had asked Baekhyun, the boy had gotten scared and had thrown the topic away as if it was rubbish, trash. He hadn’t wanted to define something that could possibly break._

_And thankfully, Chanyeol had understood._

_But he still shook his head, scrunching his nose up as he said the words, “How do you know?” he asked, in a bit of a childish voice. It was almost hard to believe sometimes that Baekhyun was actually the older of the two. But maybe Chanyeol, being a phoenix, had an older soul when it came to things like this._

_He shook his head, only leaning forward to place a gentle kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead, clouded with inky black hair that always ran a mess atop his head when they woke from their naps together. Chanyeol had called it cute more often that not, and that only made Baekhyun squirm – in a good way, though. The two had to keep their love to themselves, so Chanyeol often made up for the lack of public displays of affection for when they were alone. Kisses and hugs and gentle – yet rough at other times – sessions in bed._

_Baekhyun was often afraid of his lover bursting into flames while atop him…but he was also far too blissed out in the moment to truly care._

_“I just know.” He replied, murmuring the words so that they were just a whisper, a breath of air in the small space between them. Chanyeol smiled softly, too, before he added, “Trust me?” and it was more a question than a statement, Chanyeol actually asking for Baekhyun to trust him. And he did – Baek trusted Chanyeol with his whole being, with all of his immortal life he trusted him implicitly._

_And he also knew that in any life they lived together, even if they lost each other somewhere along the way…_

_Baekhyun would trust him._

“I think you’re taking this is a little too far, Byun.” Minseok said, raising an eyebrow at the roommate that would not stop cleaning, wouldn’t stop _moving_. Baekhyun had been going at his room for the entire morning, cleaning and moving and just not sitting still at all. He was anxious, nervous about something, and though Minseok couldn’t see what it was, Baekhyun knew.

Of course, he didn’t exactly want to tell Minseok what was bothering him, not when the two had really only known each other for a year out of their lives. And as immortal beings, a year in their time was like a month to a human. You couldn’t possibly know someone completely in a year, a month…and Baekhyun also liked to keep to himself. Even if Minseok was a friend of a friend. It had been Jongdae that set the two of them up in the apartment they now lived in, anyway.

Baekhyun had never been sure whether he should thank Jongdae or curse him out. Minseok was always trying to get to _know_ him.

He ended up scoffing at Minseok, rolling his eyes and turning to face him over his shoulder, “You don’t even know what exactly I’m taking too far.” He retorted, and then sighed, “Don’t you have somewhere to be? I thought you were working at the café down the street?” Minseok was a barista in his spare time – when he wasn’t balancing checkbooks or meeting with wealthy clients that paid him to take out their enemies.

Yes, Jongdae had let Baekhyun room with not only a paid mercenary, but one that also got much too invested in Baekhyun’s personal life.

Minseok didn’t tell Baekhyun about his killings, so why would it make any sense whatsoever for Baekhyun to tell the other about his past? Especially as it concerned his lost mate, his lost phoenix.

Baekhyun seized up at the thought, going rigid and still. Minseok thankfully didn’t seem to notice the small, temporary lapse.

“I don’t, no, but Jongdae mentioned that you were close to breaking these days, and I want to make sure that you’re okay. I’m taking off tomorrow for a work meeting, and I want to make sure that you’re fine here on your own while I’m away.” Minseok suddenly sounded like a concerned parent or older brother. And maybe he was actually older than Baekhyun was in immortal years, but he also looked younger in other ways too.

Baekhyun hadn’t ever actually asked how old the other boy was. And he didn’t think it was appropriate to ask him now, either.

So he simply sighed, clenching his fists a little and letting the warmth flare across his chest. It reminded him of exactly what he wanted – needed – to do today, this week, this month. The warmth that flashed across his skin and soared through his heart was a welcome blaze that only added to his antsy-ness, drawing him close again to the already immaculate sheets on his bed.

He didn’t think he had ever cleaned his belongings so much since he moved in with Minseok, which was probably why the other boy had noticed something off about him in the first place.

He puffed out his chest before exhaling, Minseok looking at Baekhyun curiously and waiting for an explanation. Baekhyun finally settled for, “Even if I am breaking – a little bit – it’s really none of your business.”

But it was…a little bit part of Minseok’s business, as the two were roommates and semi-friends. Though Baekhyun wouldn’t necessarily call them friends exactly. More like confidantes to one another’s problems…

There had been that one time Minseok had come clean about the one time he had slept with Jongdae – and Baekhyun’s eyes had only gone wide as he kept silent, listening while trying not to picture his old friend and new roommate in bed together. Doing…things.

He was a bit of a child not to even have the capacity to think the word. But not so much a child that he didn’t understand how these things worked. He knew all too well.

Even if it had been a while.

Minseok cleared his throat before grabbing Baekhyun’s attention again from where it had strayed.

“Really, Byun, are you going to be alright? I’ve never seen you like this.” And Minseok looked and sounded genuinely concerned. Not only for Baekhyun’s health and general well being, but for his sanity as well. Baekhyun would have told him caring was a lost cause, or at least it was when it came to him and his problems, but he didn’t have the heart. Not right now, and he didn’t think he ever would. To at least explain what was making him so anal about everything.

It was just…that time of the century again. When the heat in his chest grew until it felt like his skin would melt off.

Baekhyun shook his head, and this time it was he who was being genuine and honest, “Minseok, I’m fine. Trust me.” And the words cut at him deeply, but he said them anyway, knowing they were the deepest words he could say to speak the truth. Because honestly he would be fine soon.

As soon as he found his lost phoenix…wherever he was.

Eventually Minseok stopped staring at Baekhyun and sighed, nodding and saying his goodbyes. He only asked that Baekhyun keep the apartment clean while he was away, but he wouldn’t even need to worry about that. Because as soon as Baekhyun saw Minseok’s car pull from the side of the apartment, driving off down the street…

He grabbed for the packed suitcase beneath his bed, huffed a deep and everlasting sigh, before clutching at the necklace sitting between his collarbones, and locking the door behind him.

 _I’ll find you_ , he vowed.

 

_“Wait so…can you actually fly?” Baekhyun asked, eyes going wide with wonder. Chanyeol only grinned at that, nodded, and then stepped in closer to the other, getting far too close for having just met Baekhyun._

_Not as if he minded, in fact, Baekhyun liked the heat that Chanyeol’s body radiated. He could almost get used to it._

_Chanyeol let his fingers run across the planes of Baekhyun’s back – an intimate gesture that spoke of years of familiarity that they did not share, but that they would some day. Or at least, so Baekhyun hoped. Still, the callused hands Chanyeol left on Baekhyun’s back made him shiver. Not for the cold – because they were actually quite warm – but for the immediate touch it introduced. Baekhyun hadn’t been touched by anyone like that before._

_“They would be here, on your back. They expand…” Chanyeol breathed in deep, close enough that Baekhyun could feel his exhaled breath and even the intake of the initial air into his lungs, too. So close that Baekhyun’s eyes could only widen in what almost seemed like fear to him, but couldn’t possibly be explained as anything other than fascination and intrigue._

_Chanyeol intrigued him, and only made Baekhyun want to lean back into him and breath in that heady, spicy scent. It wasn’t clean exactly, not like how others had often described Baekhyun’s scent – like the air on a cloudy day right before it rained, or right after it fell. No, this wasn’t like the calm before the storm that Baekhyun smelt like. Chanyeol’s natural fragrance was like incense burning in the middle of a forest. Heady and intoxicating so that he couldn’t possibly control his urges to get closer and_ breathe _._

_Distracted, he missed Chanyeol’s next words and had to listen more carefully as he continued telling Baekhyun how it felt to fly._

_A feeling that Baekhyun coveted to feel. Wind beneath him and sea breeze in his face and hair. He craved the freedom that came with flying, and wished for more than just a second that he had been born with an affinity such as Chanyeol had. Of fire and air and warmth and grace._

_It seemed all other immortals possessed the ability to be graceful, to show their finesse as if it was a second skin._

_Baekhyun had gotten the short end of the stick by being a little clumsy and rudimentary in some ways. But it had never seemed to go against him in anything. He had made friends when he was younger, he was popular with all the others in his town, though the school was small and in the space behind the simple temple the elders all frequented. He had lived in an odd time, but it hadn’t set him apart from anyone. Not entirely. It was only after he had grown up, become a free-standing member of society that his immortality stood out and set him apart from his human peers._

_But now there was Chanyeol, and Baekhyun couldn’t help but compare himself to the other. They were nothing alike though, and it did more harm than good to compare himself._

_Which he should have realized by now._

_“And you’ve also got a cute little button nose, too.” Chanyeol said, rambling something else off, which immediately got Baekhyun’s attention back._

_“What?” he asked in mock horror, wondering what the hell had gotten him on that topic to begin with. Chanyeol could only laugh for a moment before explaining it had been because Baekhyun wasn’t listening to him._

_Shaking his head, Chanyeol sighed too, “Why don’t I just show you what I mean? You don’t have to listen, just feel.” And then, in the next moment, the land beneath his feet had suddenly disappeared and there was a whip of wind across his face, making him close his eyes._

_He nearly screamed in shock, but then realized that there was more warmth at his back. Looking up and over, his jaw dropped at the blazing white-blue of the wings at Chanyeol’s back. Not the orange-red he had always imagined a Phoenix’s wings to be. But he supposed flames did have other colors other than the standard orange and red. Baekhyun couldn’t help but stare, even though the view below him was just as beautiful – with mountains and lakes of their hillside town. Of the vast ocean that expanded to the right border, and fell down into the space between the neighboring countries – where their people traded goods on the seas and made new discoveries._

_They were new, they were explorers, they were adventurous._

_And they had a freedom that Baekhyun had always craved, but had been too cramped up to ever actually go after. Now here he was, soaring through the air with flames at his back, and warmth expanding through his chest as he felt something rich explode in his veins._

_This was something he had never felt before, and he would only later realize that it was excitement._

_It was over no sooner than it had started, but the vast majority of the land below him that he did get to experience left Baekhyun speechless. When the two touched the ground again, Chanyeol asked him what he thought – asking if he liked flying – and Baekhyun could say little else other than to turn and draw Chanyeol down to him._

_A thank you without words, an ‘I love you’ without much time to actually feel the meaning. But it was still felt, deep in his bones, in his blood. Baekhyun knew that he was falling for Chanyeol, even after only having known the other immortal for a small amount of time._

_Time ran differently for immortals, no matter what type they were. But Baekhyun could feel it – the tightening in his chest whenever he was around Chanyeol, and the spark like fire on his lips when he pulled Chanyeol down to him._

_Baekhyun was more surprised that Chanyeol actually kissed him back._

Memories constantly ran through Baekhyun’s head – both good and bad. From the time that he and Chanyeol first kissed, to the first time he watched Chanyeol die.

And he said first because there had been more than one time, and each time it seemed to hurt worse than the last. So much more than the last time…

“Thank you.” Baekhyun murmured to the waitress that passed by with his glass of water, nodding her head as she swept back into the chaos of the kitchen to check on his order. He hadn’t been sure where to go at first, but had settled for a diner in a small town. About five minutes after he had come into the small restaurant, there had been a full sports team that had shuffled in and placed orders, as well, causing the small diner to overload with orders and people that it clearly did not have the room for.

But Baekhyun appreciated the noise it brought, and the distraction it allowed, as it broke him from any thoughts or memories that he would only wallow in later on. Of which he already knew he would regret thinking about.

Still, it did not change the fact that the memories and thoughts were still there. Nor did it change that the burning in his chest still broke his concentration and reminded him of times – and people – that were long gone, or of whom no longer remembered who Baekhyun was. Namely, his soulmate.

The thing was, even if the memories were hard to deal with and even if each time he had to re-live Chanyeol’s death it was more painful than the last – what was more painful about the entire situation was the fact that Chanyeol didn’t remember any of it. Not even a single moment together was he able to remember.

With phoenix, though they were immortal, they died too. They died and though some were reborn of their ashes the moment they died, with all of the memories of their past selves, with all of the knowledge that their previous life had drawn in from the life they lived…even though some phoenix had that ability, there were also a few that it took decades, sometimes even centuries for their soul to regenerate into a new body. There were some that when they were reborn, became new again with new names, new features, born to parents that did not know who they were or what they were. And then there were still others that were reborn alone, without any memory at all of who or what they had been, or what they would be. They were left by the cruel gods to fend for themselves and to move along in the world on their own.

Chanyeol was the last variation – and every time Baekhyun managed to find his lost mate, Chanyeol did not know who he was.

There were times though, that Baekhyun had sat him down and explained his past to him. Only to get reprimanded by the powers that be – telling him that Chanyeol was destined to go through life like this for a reason, saying that he must learn on his own and that it was not fair for his development as an immortal being in this world for Baekhyun to “shortcut” him through his entire life.

But did they not understand that this was Baekhyun’s life too? Did they not understand that this was his mate that they were talking about, and that he had waited almost two centuries since his last reincarnation to feel his heat again?

Baekhyun would not be apologetic when he found Chanyeol again, especially when the flame had been rising steadily in his chest for a few months now. He had let Chanyeol go off on his own, let him discover himself for six months now. Six months without any contact. And it had been killing him slowly to feel that heat, to feel it deep in his chest and through his bones. It was ingrained in his soul…ever since the first time that Chanyeol had died.

Ever since Chanyeol had promised Baekhyun that he would come back, and that he would find him in that other life. He had promised that he would not forget Baekhyun. But neither of them could have possibly known what was going to happen the next time Chanyeol was reborn.

He sat there silently, the noise of the humans surrounding him not doing much for him as a distraction. When he had lived more years and through so many different lives than any human could ever possibly fathom…noise did little in the way of distracting him from his thoughts and memories. It only managed to meddle through his thoughts, and to serve as background noise to the images playing in the back of his mind.

 

_“You know, I never would have expected to see you like this.” Chanyeol said in a whisper, a chuckle released softly under his breath, causing Baekhyun to whip around with his eyes wide. He hadn’t expected to find Chanyeol here tonight, and he certainly hadn’t expected – even if he did show up – for Chanyeol to come backstage._

_Baekhyun was working with some new friends on a play they were producing. Human friends, he should have noted, but friends nonetheless. It had been something he took up in his spare time while he watched Chanyeol move through a new life without him. At least, it had started off as Chanyeol moving through life without him – and then they had come to a sort of cross roads and it had sparked something in both of them all over again._

_Even without the memories, the passion was still there._

_“You shouldn’t be back here.” Baekhyun said in an equally quiet whisper. The next act had just started after a small intermission, and he supposed Chanyeol had snuck back stage while the actors were all getting back into their places, where no one would notice that he was back there with them. Baekhyun could only shake his head and push his hands gently against Chanyeol’s shoulders, telling him he should go back and watch from the other side of the stage – actually watching the play where the view was best._

_After all, Baekhyun was only the stagehand, in charge of the sound and lights._

_But Chanyeol shook his head, a smile expanding across his lips before he leaned in close enough to press a kiss to Baekhyun’s lips ever so gently. His skin went hot when Chanyeol did that, but not in embarrassment at all. The last thing he felt when Chanyeol kissed him was embarrassed. No, he was more shocked than anything else. In this new life, Chanyeol seemed more affectionate and more open to public displays. Baekhyun could remember a time when they were both afraid of showing each other how they felt in public._

_That was also more based in the time they had lived in, but still…it was a nice change to this life._

_“But you’re back here.” Chanyeol murmured slowly, sultry, against Baekhyun’s lips. Not the right time for that type of thing, as it only had the heat expanding in Baekhyun’s chest. Chanyeol knew of the emotions and reaction he instilled in Baekhyun, but he didn’t seem to care in that moment. Not when it would rile Baekhyun up and lead to more of what Chanyeol wanted, that Baekhyun was sure. He narrowed his eyes on his boyfriend and mate for a moment more before the other was kissing softly down the side of his neck, distracting him. “And I want to be where you are.” Chanyeol continued._

_Losing his focus more, Baekhyun tried to turn back to his job, listening carefully to the cues that he had been directed to focus on. He changed the lighting where he saw fit, even as Chanyeol tried to take his concentration away._

_Had it not been for a previous promise, Baekhyun would have abandoned his station and completely allowed for Chanyeol to take him from the present, transporting them back centuries to their first time._

_And though Chanyeol would not have remembered who he was, what he was – or what they had been – Baekhyun would have remembered and he would have loved and cherished every moment of it. Even if they had known each other only a few months since Baekhyun had found Chanyeol again in this century. Baekhyun was already deeply in love, and he could feel the spark in his chest of where it corresponded in Chanyeol’s soul._

_That was the thing about mates – even throughout new rebirths, new lives – Baekhyun could feel parts of Chanyeol’s soul, deep down where it was tucked safely away._

_Life after life, his affection did not change even though Chanyeol did. Baekhyun was the one with the memory, and so he had promised himself that even if Chanyeol never remembered their lives together, he would remember for both of them. He would remember every small detail, and the tender kisses in the middle of the night, all the days left out in the rain only for Chanyeol to shake his head at Baekhyun and offer him warmth under his wings._

_Baekhyun would remember it all until Chanyeol no longer forgot._

Every few centuries, Chanyeol would be reborn in the same shell he had been in all of his other lives. He looked the same, smelt the same, sometimes even acted the same. But he surprised Baekhyun every time, showing up in random cities, different countries, speaking languages that Baekhyun had to learn before going to find his lost mate.

The thing with being mates with a phoenix was the flame in his chest. It was that slumbering connection between each life that seemed to keep Baekhyun alive – along with his own immortality – but when it awoke? The breathing flame seemed to pulse like a living thing right there inside of him. He knew every time he felt it spark alive that Chanyeol had been reborn.

And that moment was always when Baekhyun did his best to track down his beloved and find out where and who he was in that life. Mostly with Jongdae’s help…

A few months ago, when Baekhyun had first felt the flickers and sparks in his chest, he had reached out to his old friend. The one that had set him up in his current apartment with Minseok, and who had taken care of him for a few centuries between Chanyeol’s latest death and newest rebirth. He had spent almost two centuries with Jongdae, which has lead to the two becoming untouchable friends now – nothing able to break them apart. And for immortals, that was saying something. It was one of the reasons why Baekhyun had trusted Jongdae when he offered an apartment and roommate listing to him, and why Baekhyun also stayed with Minseok as a roommate despite wanting to live on his own most days.

Baekhyun may have been social at one point, or at least social when it came to Jongdae and Chanyeol, but after so many deaths and so many different lives he had lived…he tended to enjoy the quiet as well.

Which was why he also didn’t mind living with Minseok, as the other immortal was often gone most days or weeks on other business. Of which, Baekhyun paid no heed.

But besides that detail, he did really rely on Jongdae a lot. Jongdae was a different kind of immortal than Baekhyun or Chanyeol, or even Minseok. And of course, that came with different affinity and power territory, too. Baekhyun could never figure out exactly what type of immortal he personally was – and he had not searched too far or wide to really ever tie down an answer to that old question. He had been much more content to let it be and to focus on other things. Like living and breathing for his mate, and then going through life without him.

Jongdae, on the other hand, was what Baekhyun liked to call a tracker. He had an affinity for thunder and lightning – able to create storms in the blink of an eye. Which was, ironically, how they met the first time. But with his ability to create storms out of nothing, he had an in depth relationship with the sky and atmosphere, allowing him to track someone’s essence almost exactly. It was an odd talent – one that Baekhyun was both fascinated and afraid of at first. He had grown used to it over the years, and it still amazed him when he let Jongdae hold the feather necklace that he always carried around on his neck.

The necklace itself had a story on its own – one that Baekhyun did not share with just anyone. And so not even Jongdae knew the whole story.

But about six months ago, Baekhyun had reached out to Jongdae again and asked him to track the heat emanating from the necklace, as the heat signature within the feather only matched with two people in the entire world.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol.

 

_“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Jongdae had asked him, inviting him into his small cottage by the sea. It was such a cliché, especially considering Jongdae’s gifts of storms, but it worked for him and he had too many guests that came and went that it was just easier that way._

_Besides, it was much better than the mountain village home that he had once lived in. Baekhyun was glad Jongdae was no longer living there._

_“Of course I want you to do this. Do you think I would ever not want to track him?” but then Jongdae sighed and said something realistic that Baekhyun had been fighting to face over the past few months. Something that he always fought himself on whenever he felt Chanyeol reincarnate. And whenever he actually came face to face with his mate that was now a stranger._

_Jongdae eyed Baekhyun for a moment before saying, “He won’t remember you, Baek.”_

_But that only had him clenching his fists and wishing for what seemed like the hundredth time that he had his own gifts to punch Jongdae with. It wasn’t that he was mad at his friend, though. Just frustrated._

_“I know.” He said, coming to terms once again with the realization that no matter what he did, every life would be different. It wasn’t just like picking back up where they had left off the last time, or them losing a connection somehow and catching up. It was like meeting someone you thought was familiar, not knowing who they were for a moment, and then trying to figure out where the missing pieces were hiding. Except Chanyeol didn’t experience any of that. He saw Baekhyun as a new person – someone that he had never met before – and it was Baekhyun that had to experience all the pain and heartbreak._

_He remembered the times when he had to hold back ‘I love you’ because they had just met in that life. Or had to hold back tender touches because Chanyeol just wasn’t ready. There was just so much that was missing each and every time, never the same as it was before._

_Their names, their expressions – those were the same. But Chanyeol’s life was always different. His psychology and reaction time was different. And Baekhyun always had to take a step back and think about what he was actually doing. He constantly had to ask himself if he was in this for himself or if he wanted to do this for Chanyeol._

_Because didn’t Chanyeol deserve to be happy in all of his lives, too?_

_It was partly why he had promised to give his lost mate a few months before going off to find him, but why he also thought it a good idea to lay low and hide in the shadows. Not quite a stalker-like hiding, but definitely a more hands off approach to getting to know Chanyeol._

_Was there ever going to be an “organic” way of getting to know him again? The only organic part of their meeting and mating had been their first life together._

_And Baekhyun would never even know if that had really been Chanyeol’s first life to begin with._

_“Get on with it, then.” He said softly to Jongdae, nodding toward his station across the little sea side cottage. It was quaint in there, but it also meant it was a little cramped with things. Baekhyun had to move some things around before he was able to take a seat, and even then he was pretty sure there was going to be sand in his shoes by the time he walked out of there._

_It wasn’t a quick process, and it wasn’t a very pleasant feeling either. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what it felt like to Chanyeol, across the world, but it felt like Jongdae was sucking some of the air from his lungs and constricting his heart in his fist. It was like holding his breath underwater for too long and then gasping for breath as soon as Jongdae released his necklace. There was this intense moment throughout the entire tracking that Jongdae even seemed to be feeling the effects. And maybe it was because he was the one channeling the energy in the first place, but then Baekhyun heard the roar of the thunder outside and wondered if that also had something to do with it._

_So much raw energy in one place – Baekhyun felt a little jealous._

_When Jongdae stopped, Baekhyun could breathe again. His chest heaved and his eyes were blown wide from the loss of oxygen – or what he had always assumed to be a loss. It may have just been a feeling itself, rather than a reality. Either way, he took back his necklace as he looked down at the image Jongdae had managed to striate on the page lying flat on his desk. It was lined and marked with flaming, flashing lines that all led to one place across the map that Jongdae had to replace every time he tracked someone. It wasn’t an exact science, but it gave Baekhyun a closer view of where Chanyeol was. He could always do the rest on his own in terms of tracking._

_That was what the flame in his chest was for – finding his other half._

_The way the lines formed together, it looked like lightning flashing in the sky combined with burn marks from the feather’s heat. Places that he had been were marked with burned out circles, very precisely marked. And then there was a design Baekhyun had never understood in lightning fashion – surrounding the city or country he now lived._

_This was the first time Baekhyun was going to the United States to find Chanyeol – but he supposed his instincts from a year ago had been spot on. When he had first moved to the States he had not felt the heat in his chest as it was too early, but there had been something pulling him there, pulling him to set up a life there for a little while. Jongdae had called it Fate, but Baekhyun had called it bullshit at the time._

_Now he knew._

_“Do you think he’ll have set something up on his own yet, or do you think the gods would have intervened on his behalf? To set something up that mimicked a past life?” Jongdae asked before handing Baekhyun the map, now folded up carefully. Baekhyun held it lightly, so as not to ruin it._

_Baekhyun wasn’t sure. Sometimes the gods were horrible to them, knowing that they only had so much time together in each life and choosing to mess with them. Chanyeol was a phoenix and they saw him as a person to be moved and altered and fought with to do their will. But Baekhyun had never agreed with that, and neither had Kim Jongin, the only other phoenix Baekhyun had ever met besides Chanyeol._

_He shook his head in response to Jongdae’s question, “I thought I would know, thought I could feel everything he was feeling at one point, but I can’t.” not that he would necessarily want to feel Chanyeol’s pain, only because he was sure it was transferrable in some way and that Chanyeol would be able to feel his, too. “I don’t know if he’s safe, or if the gods have already turned him against me, but I’ll be open minded when and if I see him.” Because he had promised himself he would be – open minded, that is. Because he had been so pessimistic in the past that it wasn’t healthy for him, or for Chanyeol._

_Jongdae raised an eyebrow, but otherwise said nothing. The tracking was done and they didn’t need to talk about the future anymore. Not right now._

A little more than six months had gone by now, and where was Baekhyun? Sitting in a small little coffee shop with his fingers wrapped around a white mug. He wasn’t sure if this would lead him anywhere, wasn’t sure if this was even a good idea in the first place, but when he had felt the heat inside his chest pull him towards this place, right as it starting raining…he didn’t have many other options did he?

The feather at his heart had never been wrong before, not when it relied on the heat emanating from Chanyeol’s soul. It never went cold, never failed to pulse like a second heartbeat there on top of Baekhyun’s skin. But he did notice a difference every time Chanyeol died – every time his soul disappeared from his body. It was never cold, but it didn’t feel warm, either. It was dormant, lying in wait for its other half to awaken from sleep. Because that’s how Baekhyun would have liked to imagine the years between Chanyeol’s lives.

He was sleeping, not dead.

Baekhyun didn’t expect to get lucky the first night of coming into this town, didn’t expect for Chanyeol’s heat signature to blast him out of the water, but he had been hopeful that he was going in the right direction.

So he kept coming back, every night for the next week.

Eventually he found some place to stay too, rather than just walking around and sleeping on benches for an hour before someone woke him, or he heard police sirens. Even if Baekhyun was immortal, he wasn’t immune or less subject to the law than regular mortals were. There had been a time, many years ago when he had first started on his immortal life that mortals had been afraid of his kind. They had known who and what they were and they stayed far away.

Now it was a closely hidden secret, with gods and monsters choosing to lie low and never to reveal themselves to mortals and humans that just would not understand at all what and who they were.

They would have been afraid by default. They would have tortured, murdered them on purpose. And for Baekhyun, whom didn’t even know what he was, that wasn’t something he wanted to happen in the slightest.

His only goal in his infinite life was to find his mate and make him happy, even if that meant doing so from afar…

On the eighth day of going back to that café, Baekhyun ran into someone he had not expected to run into – Kim Jongin. It had been centuries more than he had last seen Chanyeol that he had run into Jongin, and he wondered what exactly brought him here – of all places and of all times. But it seemed less a coincidence and more of a calculated move on Jongin’s end that he was here the same time as Baekhyun.

“You’re looking for him, aren’t you?” was the first thing the phoenix asked of him, jaw held taut as he looked over at Baekhyun from across the small booth. He had sat down without Baekhyun really inviting him to, but even if he had asked, Baekhyun would have said yes. An old friend – and someone who knew who and what Chanyeol was almost to the core? Yes, he would have invited him no matter the circumstances.

When he nodded, a slow subtle movement, Jongin sighed and his heat signature registered in Baekhyun’s chest as well. If not for his mate’s feather at Baekhyun’s chest, he probably never would have realized at first what Jongin was. But like called to like, and the flames burning inside all of the phoenix on this planet would have registered with Baekhyun had he gotten close enough to any of them.

Maybe it wasn’t even Chanyeol’s flame that he had sensed, but Jongin’s…though that couldn’t be, not when he still felt the pull in his heart that he needed to be here, or somewhere very close to here.

Jongin paused, contemplating for a moment. At least, as much as Baekhyun could see. He was holding something back, even after all these centuries. The two hadn’t spoken much, or kept in contact. Baekhyun wondered if Jongin had lived as many lives as Chanyeol had, or if he had managed to stay alive since the last time they had spoken. Even if he had lived and been reborn in many lives since, Jongin actually remembered his past memories with alarming accuracy.

“What if I told you I knew where he was?” the phoenix asked, a warm glow to his skin sparking in the café lighting. He always had this golden undertone to his skin that Baekhyun had always been curious about. Chanyeol had never been as dark, but Baekhyun wondered if all phoenix had this sort of glow to their skin – like they were lit up from the inside out.

Quiet and absolutely still, he wasn’t sure what to say. He would have been able to find his lost soulmate eventually, but here Jongin was, offering him help. It wasn’t what he wanted originally – to lay low and to let Chanyeol come to him – but maybe this was for the best, allowing Baekhyun’s curiosity to get the best of him. He could not help but wonder how Jongin had come across Chanyeol in this life, and could not help but wonder what Jongin had told him of his past, if anything at all.

The phoenix before him had always been more quiet, secretive, and less likely to delve into his or others’ secrets than Baekhyun could have ever imagined. He had met many people in his immortal life, but Jongin had always been someone that stuck out in his mind. Of the many immortals he knew – Jongdae, Minseok, Chanyeol…

Jongin was a good different, and he appreciated his candor in a friend, as well.

Baekhyun asked only one question, “Is he well?”

But Jongin didn’t say much in return, in fact he didn’t say anything at all. He simply outstretched his hands to Baekhyun and nodded for him to take them, to show him something. Baekhyun knew exactly what the man was trying to do, and knew that it was not something he should decide to do lightly.

It was rare, but some phoenix – those that could remember their past lives and memories – were able to share images with those around them. It was almost unfair for them to have that gift when Baekhyun couldn’t even figure out what he was and if he had his own talents, but he appreciated it nonetheless. This wasn’t the first time that Jongin had shared some of his memories with Baekhyun. He was honest, and the last time Jongin had shared memories with Baekhyun, it had been a sight he would never forget.

Intense imagery and colors that sparked memories of his own – Baekhyun had thought it was a dream at first. And still to this day, he was unsure what was going on in that memory, but he could remember the vibrancy of it all, and had craved diving back in.

The only downside to this was trying to escape the memories once he let go of Jongin’s hands. There was always a chance that he could get lost in them, always a chance that he could forget who he was when delving into a phoenix memories.

But if this meant seeing Chanyeol, and seeing how Jongin interacted with him in the life – and knowing that he was real, and true, and _alive_ …Baekhyun would always take the risk.

So he didn’t hesitate when Jongin outstretched his hands, only grabbed on tight and let the memories flood through his senses...

 

_Jongin had first felt the spark in the middle of the night, but it hadn’t been until the following morning that he had actually felt the rising flame rush into his veins. It wasn’t his own heat, his own flames that propelled him forward out of bed. No this was something much different._

_When he had seen the smoke rising in an almost indistinct trail upon the horizon, he knew what the cause of it was, and knew that no mortal would have seen or reacted to it._

_Another phoenix had been reborn._

Baekhyun could feel the memory slosh around in his mind, not yet concrete, but working towards it. He took a deep breath, stepping out of the memory and out of Jongin’s body, too. When he lived a memory like that, he felt like he _was_ Jongin, rather than just watching the phoenix memories. He would need to take a breather every once in a while, to remind himself of who he was – to remind himself that these were not his memories, just a replay of someone else’s.

 _Step back inside the memory, Baekhyun._ Jongin’s inner voice instructed him. So he did, deep breath hitching in his throat.

 

 _Jongin wasn’t sure how long the phoenix had been by themselves, or if they were still there in those woods. The forest was vast in the North West – enough that he had gotten lost there the first time he had ventured into them. The northwest United States was known for their densely packed forests, and how_ green _everything was. Jongin had wanted a change of scenery when he moved there, and he had certainly fulfilled that wish of his._

_Now, venturing back into the woods, he tried to reach out with his own heat signature to call and draw out the other phoenix. He wasn’t even sure if it was a newborn or a rebirth…_

_He supposed he would find out soon enough._

_When he did eventually come across the phoenix, the poor thing was lying there in the middle of a field between the trees. Wild flowers interspersed between his body, allowing him to rest his head. Jongin thought the poor thing actually looked peaceful, before he saw how his wings were angled and immediately rushed to his side._

_The phoenix wings weren’t usually solid feathers and cartilage unless they were trying to reserve their heat. There was a very real danger that they could burn out if they used their flames too much, and so Jongin assumed this phoenix soul had been trying to reserve as much energy as he could before being reborn._

_But that also meant the phoenix had landed too hard and had fallen on his wings. Not only effectively knocking him out, but also twisting his wings in a way that could not have been pleasant in the slightest._

Baekhyun’s heart stammered as memory-Jongin came closer to Chanyeol lying there on the ground, his wings bent out of shape. A part of him wanted to reach out within the memory and hold him close, but that was impossible. Emotions running high, he had to take another step back before continuing, Jongin only nudging him along as best he could so that they didn’t have to take as many breaks in between this one memory.

They were in public, and though Jongin had complete control over his own body, Baekhyun was never sure what he looked like while in this trance. Even stepping back from Jongin’s memories – he wouldn’t be released back into his own body until Jongin released his hands. And that was almost frightening, even if he did trust the man.

 

_“Hey.” Jongin started, trying to make the unknown phoenix sit up, making sure his airways were clear, and for his body to release the pressure pushing down on his wings. Jongin pounded lightly on his back, between his shoulder blades where his wings connected to the inner tissue beneath the skin. The sharp bones protruding from the skin looked so elegant and sleek when Jongin looked, and he wondered if his own looked quite like that in this form. He used his flames so much to fly the short distances that he needed that he wasn’t sure anymore what it felt like to use wings and feathers and bone._

_After a few more tries, the other phoenix came to – a breath of air gasping through his lungs and his eyes going wide. He looked frightened, far too overloaded, and like he had just woken from a nightmare._

_Jongin could remember the times when he had woken from rebirth, his last present memory of the moment he had died. He wondered if that was what this phoenix had just experienced too…_

_Until he actually realized who it was he was holding up, and his eyes went wide in recognition._

_This was Park Chanyeol – the phoenix that was infamous for his memory loss, and his soulmate. The soulmate that so many knew, and so many feared for his equal parts fiery personality and immense faith towards Chanyeol. The two were known by many immortals, and by even more phoenix._

_Even if he was gasping alive, like he had just woken from a nightmare, Jongin knew that Chanyeol wouldn’t remember a thing of his past or any of his memories. So he tried to calm him down, tried to walk him through the process of breathing and letting himself calm down._

_Lucky bastard._ Jongin’s memory paused – Baekhyun allowing himself a step back when he heard the words rattle through his head. They weren’t part of the memory, but were Jongin’s thoughts now. He continued through their connection, _He’s one of the oldest phoenix alive, and yet he can’t remember a damn thing. He’s lucky – not to remember all the pain and suffering and death he’s survived._

Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to say to that, especially when Chanyeol’s memory loss only made things more difficult for him. He shook his head mentally at Jongin, his own inner voice expelling itself with his opinion on the matter.

 _If you had immortal loved ones as Chanyeol did – does – then you would see how unlucky and painful it is that he forgets. How painful it is for_ me _that he forgets whenever he’s reborn._

Jongin didn’t say another word, just opened that mental door back up for him to step through. The conversation wasn’t over, but Baekhyun was sure Jongin wanted to show him the rest of the memory while they were still in public – and quickly. So he stepped through the door again, and it continued…

 

_Jongin tried to let the fact that he had Park Chanyeol before him slip from his mind. This was just another newborn phoenix, he tried to tell himself. But that wasn’t the case, and he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know the repercussions of finding Chanyeol when he was reborn in his new life. He knew who Chanyeol’s mate was – had become friends with Baekhyun in one of his own past lives – and so he knew there would be hell to pay if he didn’t care for Chanyeol correctly or make sure he knew exactly what this life had to offer him._

_He wasn’t sure if he could tell Chanyeol who he had been in his past lives – wasn’t sure if that was cheating the system or if other phoenix would come down on his head for the indiscretion, but he would do all he could to help the other._

_He would do it for his friend, and would do it for Chanyeol himself. Jongin never abandoned another phoenix – reborn, newborn, or otherwise._

_Helping him to his feet and telling him that Jongin was going to get him somewhere safe and explain everything to him. Too confused, exhausted and weak to refuse, Chanyeol leaned into him as Jongin lead him back through the woods. He was unsure whether to call a close friend, a cab, or actually use his own wings to fly Chanyeol back to his apartment. Whatever he ended up doing, he just wanted the other phoenix safe and comfortable so that he could heal…_

The memory ended abruptly, forcing him back into that café, facing Kim Jongin, and wondering what the hell happened after the man took his mate from that field in the woods.

Jongin’s tense eyes didn’t do much in the way of answering his questions, either.

“Where did you take him?” Baekhyun asked – trying to stay calm. There were only certain times when he felt territorial over his soulmate, but it was often enough that sometimes he wondered if he was just a dormant werewolf. He had ruled that out a while ago though, even going so far as to have another wolf bite him – as if to cause a chain reaction and force his change.

Only for his body to basically yell at him and tell him he was an idiot. He had managed to just get away with being sick for a few weeks before his body had expelled the poison of the bite.

That had at least ruled out that possibility for him.

Jongin didn’t bother answering his question, only got up from his seat and nodded toward the door. “Come on, they’re closing soon.” Was all he said in reply, urging Baekhyun to follow after him. He didn’t have much choice, though, did he? Not when Jongin knew more about Chanyeol in this life than he did. Especially not when Jongin knew exactly where Chanyeol was in this life where Baekhyun was nearly clueless.

After having just lived through Jongin’s memory of first meeting Chanyeol in this life, he felt the heat in his chest move and displace itself, pulling at his heart and mind to follow after Jongin. As if his soul was urging and pushing him – saying that Jongin was the only way to find his other half. And maybe he was – maybe it had been a mistake to tell himself to lay low and allow Chanyeol to come to him.

There would be plenty of other lives for him to follow that practice – plenty of other instances for him to allow Chanyeol to chase after him rather than the other way around, as it always was the other way around.

But he wasn’t going to do that this time. No, he would let Jongin tell him what he knew of Chanyeol. Baekhyun would see Chanyeol and face him like an adult – not someone that was pining and desperate and lonely like he was acting now. He wasn’t that person by nature, and Baekhyun wasn’t quite sure after which of Chanyeol’s many lives he had become that type of person. Not that it truly mattered, as he would promise himself now that he would be better.

He would be better for Chanyeol in this life. Because he deserved it.

…

 

****

**_Ignite_ **

****

Chanyeol had very few memories of his childhood, and what he did remember was like looking through a muddy puddle. Clouded, and hard to see through. The memories he could remember were jumbled and he could not truly experience any of them as he should have, in his thoughts or dreams.

Jongin had told him it was a result of him having just recently been reborn, that his memories were already a fragile thing. He had promised it would pass with more time, but he had also said the memories were likely fake and that was why he could not truly remember them.

After all, according to Jongin, Chanyeol had not been born to the parents that he vaguely remembered, their faces too blurry to make out any accurate depictions of their faces. Jongin had explained most things to him when the two had returned to Jongin’s home – a small yet comfortable place that Chanyeol had grown used to over the past few months living there. But he had explained things – many things – and Chanyeol was unsure of what to believe.

He was a phoenix – a being reborn of ashes and with the breath of fire in his lungs. He had wings and abilities that no mortal could ever possibly comprehend. Jongin told him that they were similar, yet different. He had explained that most phoenix had the ability to remember all of their past lives, with immaculate accuracy. They remembered their past, and some could even see into the future. They were blessed by gods that none of them could see, and blessed with immortality within mostly human vessels.

Chanyeol had not understood any of it, but he had nodded and pretended at least. Jongin had not bought into his fake assurances.

“I know these things are difficult to comprehend now, but I’m not asking you to understand them all. I’m only asking that you trust I speak the truth.” And Jongin’s face had softened before he took a deep breath to continue, “There are people in this world that used to know you in past lives, that will come to expect certain things of you. It is okay to be unsure, and to not know how to reply. They will understand in time, as will you.”

And Jongin spoke in such a way that Chanyeol had even adopted his way of tongue himself, with no real memory of how he should address anyone, at all.

Though, adopting Jongin’s way of speaking had proved strange when he went out in public, as people looked at him oddly in the way he spoke and acted. Jongin blended in just fine, adjusting the way he spoke according to each situation, but Chanyeol was almost like a newborn – something that Jongin had explained happened a lot in newly reborn phoenix. They had to take the time to settle into themselves and the new lives they lived. Of those that could remember past lives and memories, it took time for them to become accustom to a new time, a new city, a new religion or culture. A new society in most cases.

But Chanyeol had the disadvantageous fate to have been reborn without any of his memories. And no matter how much Jongin had expressed his jealousies, Chanyeol still wished he could remember at least one thing, at least one person…

Still, he was doing much better after nearly seven months than he had been when he first started. For the first month or so, he had been confused and had not fully trusted Jongin. He had been unsure where to go, unsure whether the images and scenes he could barely remember were true, or if they were lies like Jongin had told him they were. Despite all of that though, he had stayed with Jongin and had watched and listened to him – of all he spoke of the past and their kind. How they had been born and made by the gods, of their use to the world of both mortals and immortals. After a while he had started to feel pride that he might actually have a purpose, even if he did not know exactly what that was.

Whoever these gods were, they had a purpose for him, and though Jongin had scoffed when he had said it initially, Chanyeol had still kept the thought close to his heart and had relied on that faith ever since that moment.

And now…Jongin had promised to bring back more answers for him. He had promised they would likely bring about more questions, but how else was he supposed to learn? So Chanyeol waited as Jongin went out every night, returning empty handed, but with a slight smile to his face. He had promised soon, that he would bring answers soon.

It was the next night that Jongin actually brought a guest home – a guest he had introduced as Byun Baekhyun, and then had corrected himself by shaking his head.

“Just Baekhyun, I think.” His friend had murmured after a second in thought. The stranger – their guest – only nodded in agreement, a faint smile pressing his lips tight together. He stood short compared to Jongin and Chanyeol, but he was not truly that small. Chanyeol could recognize the curve of small muscles beneath his clothing, and the way he held himself. For a moment, not aloud, Chanyeol wondered if Baekhyun was a phoenix as well – especially with that faint light that seemed a backdrop for the other man’s essence.

Perhaps he had been reborn recently too, just like Chanyeol had. Some part of him rejoiced in having found someone who may have had the same cluelessness as he did.

But he soon learned that wasn’t the case.

“Baekhyun is immortal as we are, but different.” Jongin started, “He lives without dying, without being reborn. And as far as we know, he cannot die.”

The man scoffed and shook his head, humor lacing his words as he answered, “Trust me, I’ve tried.” And that had Chanyeol’s eyes widening, only to return to normal when he looked into Baekhyun’s eyes. He was not joking, and so there was less surprise from him, and more…sadness. Why would he want to die?

Chanyeol did not understand it, but again, he was new to this whole thing.

Jongin continued, “He’s an old friend of mine, one that I haven’t seen in quite a few centuries. He’ll be staying here the night, so that we can catch up, but he has his own home in the city that he’ll come and go from. You’re welcome to ask him questions too, of this time or any time in which he has lived.” And his friend seemed to sigh – either in exasperation or exhaustion, Chanyeol was not sure.

“If you have questions, please feel free to ask me.” Baekhyun said, finally speaking up in earnest. His voice and cadence now was different from earlier when he had made the offhand comment about his own death. It was soft, almost reassuring, and something in it made Chanyeol’s heart stutter with a flame he had only felt in small bursts since learning of what he really was. He still did not know what he was capable of – as Jongin had not touched upon it more than just generally – but he felt that flame, felt it burn and ignite inside of him.

And he liked it.

“Maybe tomorrow.” Chanyeol said, contemplating whether he should actually stay up to ask this stranger a million and one different questions, or if he should go to sleep as he had promised himself before Jongin and Baekhyun had walked though that door minutes ago.

He decided of the latter – he needed his rest.

Both Jongin and Baekhyun understood the look in his eyes and the tone of his voice when he said that, and so neither objected or stopped him when he left to go into the other room, his private room that Jongin had set up over the past several months with belongings Chanyeol had gotten here and there. It was not filled much, and in fact was not very personable as Chanyeol was unsure his own personality in this life, but it was his space and his space alone.

And he would always appreciate Jongin’s hospitality and kindness.

Turning back to nod at both of them, he released a fragment of a sigh and whispered, “Good night. It was nice to meet you, Baekhyun.”

Before he closed the door, he was unsure if he had heard correctly, or if he was just hearing things because of his own exhaustion and need for sleep. But he could have sworn that he heard Baekhyun whisper back in reply, “It’s nice to meet you again, too.”

 

The next morning came quickly – far too quickly for Chanyeol’s liking. But he often woke with the sunrise these days, his skin heating though not burning, and warming like the sun was his energy. Chanyeol often wondered if his kind even needed food or if they could live solely off of the warmth and radiance of the sun.

He had thought it too silly, too childish, to actually ask Jongin the question. But now there was someone else in the small apartment, and he vowed to ask Baekhyun.

It was severely awkward at first, introducing himself again, and then having to explain he could not remember anything. Baekhyun seemed to know this and more, but Chanyeol did not know how much more the other man knew. Not with his tightly closed lips and somber smile. He looked sad, like he was in mourning of something or someone, but Chanyeol could not imagine what or who it would have been. He barely knew Baekhyun.

Maybe Chanyeol or Jongin reminded Baekhyun of someone who he missed…he was not completely sure.

“You can ask me questions.” The man said softly at the breakfast table. Both of them had awoken early – Chanyeol with the sun’s rays, and Baekhyun after he had heard Chanyeol stumbling into the living room where Baekhyun had been sleeping on the free couch. Jongin had only one guest room, which now belonged to Chanyeol. It was probably a good thing then that Baekhyun was only staying for one night with them.

He paused, though, wondering what he should ask first – and if he should even ask the questions rattling through his mind. He could still remember the words he had thought he heard last night. _It’s nice to meet you again, too_. But had he really heard them, or was it just his imagination? His memory was not the best, even after being on this earth again in this life for the past several months.

Chanyeol did not know anything concretely, and so he kept quiet about what he thought he heard. Instead, he came up with a few questions for Jongin’s friend.

“How many years have you lived on this earth?”

The question didn’t seem to catch Baekhyun off guard, and in fact it almost seemed like this had been a question the man had been anticipating. He answered it calmly, fingers swirling on the red oak table beneath the two of them, making curlicues and designs that Chanyeol thought he recognized from somewhere.

But also didn’t at the same time.

“I lost count more than a few centuries ago, but I was born in a time where people knew that I was different – more than just thinking I had a different way of living, but…they knew I was immortal, or something similar. When I was a child, the other children thought it was no big deal. They had not yet learned to ridicule or separate themselves from me. It was only when they were older, when they could see it in my eyes, and on my skin, and the way I walked – it was when I was no longer a child that they fell away from me.” And though it had not been the question he had asked, Chanyeol listened intently to Baekhyun’s story as if it were the most intriguing thing he had ever heard.

And some parts of it were.

Baekhyun went on to add that though his childhood friends had abandoned him, and he did not have family or siblings to rely on, he made friends with others that were like him. He admitted that he was unsure what kind of immortal he was, truthfully stating that he did not have a gift as Jongin or Chanyeol did – with their flames and wings and rebirth. Baekhyun even shrugged and chuckled softly, eyes going deep and intense before he sighed and started up with his designs on the table, moving his fingers fluidly as he carved them there invisibly.

Chanyeol wanted to know what they were – what those lines and swirls and…he wanted to know what they meant to Baekhyun, and if it was just a nervous habit or something much larger, more important.

“I made friends, and I lived my first years for and with these friends. But they either died – not as immortal as I was – or they forgot me.” And there was pain in his eyes then, more than Chanyeol had seen in their entire conversation. There was pain and suffering, more than just the layered sadness and mourning he had seen earlier. The man almost looked like he was going to cry, like he was going to break down right in front of Chanyeol.

And he would have comforted him had he actually broken down into tears, but Baekhyun sucked in a sharp breath and let out a shaky laugh, dissipating the tension in the silent room.

He shook his head, “I think I’ve said enough today.” And Baekhyun got up from the table, looking around at the small space that seemed much smaller with him there, but Chanyeol could not help but think that it seemed warmer with him there, too.

Like a real home.

“Tell Jongin that I appreciate him letting me stay here last night, and that I’ll give him a call later, when I collect myself.” Baekhyun seemed hesitant to leave, but there was that pain again in his eyes before he actually seemed determined and decided that he was going now. He bowed his head slightly to Chanyeol – an old gesture, he realized – and bid goodbye, promising that he would come again soon to answer more of his questions should he have any.

Chanyeol, before Baekhyun was able to leave, said, “I would really like that.” And he continued by saying, “I would really like to get to know you, too.”

It was mostly because knowing someone else would help him discern who he was as a person – or so he told himself. But there was also a part of him, where that flame resided deep in his belly and lungs, which urged and grew and pulled and pushed him. It may have been warmth, fire, destruction, but it moved like a wave inside him – a nervousness that he had never felt before. It wasn’t the same nervousness he had felt in coming back to Jongin’s apartment and staying with the other phoenix.

This was the type of nervousness that only his memories would be able to explain. Memories that were either far too muddled to look clearly through, or memories that were lost to time and death.

Chanyeol did truly want to get to know Baekhyun, and the other man seemed to sense his genuine sentiment in just the expression in his eyes.

The only thing Baekhyun said before he left – after a minute or so of silent retrospection – was, “You will.” And then he was gone. Out the door, out of sight, but not out of mind. Not for a long while yet.

 

_He could feel the blazing sun on his back, burning and scorching and riding its way along his skin as it ate him alive. But it didn’t hurt, in fact it was a welcome sort of feeling. It was almost comfortable as he continued on, unsure where the feeling was coming from. Everything was dark except for the brightness that was the sun on his skin. It held not a color, but a fire, a depth that he could not describe in words…_

_And then Chanyeol was falling, and all he could see was the sea below him – such a stark cerulean blue that it contrasted so brightly against the heat and golden sun at his back._

_He was falling, falling, falling – until nothing. Everything went black and –_

Chanyeol jolted in bed, heart racing and a blue tint surrounding him as his inner fire suddenly resurrected and burst together in a column. It took a while for him to get his breathing and the flames under control, but not before Jongin had rushed into his room, bare-chested and a concerned look rising on his face.

Once he was calmed, and once he had described the dream to Jongin, the other phoenix sighed and made a comment on the dream.

“It’s a memory.” He stated, and that made Chanyeol’s eyes widen. His memories were all either fake or too vague and peculiar to really recall in great detail. But this? This dream was supposed to be one of his memories?

Jongin tried to explain with a shake of his head, sitting down on the edge of Chanyeol mattress.

“Memories for us are odd things – they either come all at once, or in bursts. Yours have never surfaced in any of your lives, or at least, not that any of us know of. Those that had known you in the past would have said something, would have let everyone know you were getting your memories back in small spurts, but this is just…not the norm for you.” But Jongin had to laugh at himself, which only confused Chanyeol more. “Of course, you’re not a very normal phoenix, either, but this is…a bit unsettling.”

Chanyeol clenched his fists, “How is it unsettling?”

Silence, and then Jongin was getting up from his spot on the mattress and pacing around the room, like he was trying to distract himself or calm nerves that Chanyeol did not understand.

“You either remember, or you don’t. And seeing as you’ve never remembered anything in your life before, this is strange. It means that your memories are coming back to you – in this life of all your lives – and that means there are some people – some things – that you will probably remember and find out for yourself that you might not like.”

Jongin looked pained, just as Baekhyun had the previous night. How he had seemed so distressed to reveal his past and some of his thoughts. Were the two connected somehow?

“Shouldn’t getting my memories back be a good thing?” he asked. “If I can remember my past, I can remember my friends, my family, the stories and people I knew. Is that not worthy of celebrating? My memories are returning.” But Jongin still shook his head and drew back, hand rubbing at the back of his neck and then over his face, exhausted.

It seemed that Jongin did that a lot lately – as if this immortal life threw him some curve balls and he needed to lay down to rest for a long while.

Chanyeol wondered how long Jongin had been living in this life for – and if he was due to die soon so that he could be reincarnated.

So that he could start over.

“Maybe I have a different perspective on things, because I can actually recall my memories…” Jongin replied a little harshly, “But trust me when I say that there are some things you would rather forget. You do not know which memories will come first, but I assure you that if this is the first memory you remember, the rest are not going to be any more pleasant than this.” He clenched his jaw and went on, “What you saw – what you dreamed of – was a memory of you falling to your death. You burned out while flying and fell into the harbor of your hometown within that life. You were close enough to shore that people fished your body from the harbor before it got lost beneath the waves, but you were gone. Your body was sparked to ashes and the remains left in one of the gods’ temples that you once revered. You were left to nothing, and those that loved you were left behind to mourn.”

Jongin’s words cut him deep in their harsh nature, but he knew that Jongin was speaking the truth. He was not usually harsh, and Chanyeol knew from the past several months that his new friend did not lie, and would never lie to him about who or what he was, or was becoming. Jongin would tell Chanyeol honestly all that he thought, even when he kept his own secrets. But this was Chanyeol’s truth, his past, and Jongin would tell him all he thought without worrying or feeling sorry for his feelings.

Because he knew that Chanyeol needed to hear it. That he needed to hear it now before he got himself carried away in imaginings.

“So you think my memories will come like this, in dreams and short spurts? But they’ll be tales of my death, not my life?” he wasn’t sure if he could live through all the deaths he had been through in the past millennia. Jongin had hinted at Chanyeol being a very old phoenix – that he was older than Jongin by a few century, and that was how everyone knew who he was.

But it made no difference if the only good that did was give him horrible nightmares of how he had died in all of his lives. Maybe he really didn’t want to remember…

Jongin shrugged, “You’ll remember some good things, I’m sure. I can’t hint at what those are, not when they’re your memories to go through and experience. But there were good people, good experiences that you had in your many lives. Every century was different, every century brought on a new era of excitement, though trauma came along with it. There are some things you should know, but it is not my place to tell you.”

Chanyeol was more confused now than he had been waking from that nightmare-memory. He almost understood why Jongin was being cautious. It was like telling someone of their future that had not yet come to pass – except this was his past, not his future. These were experiences and memories he had already lived and died through.

Still, Chanyeol nodded and accepted Jongin’s words. He would find out in his own time. Even if it meant more of those burning dreams…

 

Baekhyun came back to the apartment often enough that Chanyeol started expecting him there every night. He came enough that Chanyeol even grew worried when he didn’t show up for a few days. When Baekhyun returned, as if nothing had happened at all, Chanyeol scowled and scolded him.

As if he were Baekhyun’s ruler – though he knew he was anything but.

“You should have told us you weren’t coming earlier this week.” He started when Baekhyun came through the front door, the key that Jongin had made him dangling between his fingers. The small immortal’s eyes widened in surprise before stepping all the way through the door, only followed by Chanyeol and his intense, fiery gaze.

“I didn’t realize it was that big of a deal.” He stated, but Chanyeol knew Baekhyun was trying to down play everything. That he was trying to throw the attention off of himself and redirect it if he could. Baekhyun liked to deflect things most of the time – questions he didn’t particularly want to answer, narrowed looks directed at him from Jongin on strange nights during the week. The two often exchanged looks, as if they had their own secret language, or could read the other’s mind. Chanyeol had only assumed it was because they were close – best friends in one of Jongin’s past lives.

He wondered if the feeling in his chest – that fire that blazed brighter whenever Baekhyun was near – was because they, too, had been friends in a past life.

Chanyeol still hadn’t worked up the courage to ask him, though.

It was a little over a month now that Baekhyun had been introduced into his life, and he knew many more would follow as they reached the end of a season. Summer was coming soon, and with it came the heat that expanded in his lungs and chest. Jongin had promised him summers were the most freeing for a phoenix – whose gifts and affinity for fire blazed like the sun during midday. Jongin had also promised that he would take Chanyeol and Baekhyun on vacation so that they could all relax in the sun without being judged by mortals.

To Chanyeol that meant allowing his wings the freedom they deserved without worrying about scaring someone by their presence and heat.

Baekhyun never seemed to mind when Chanyeol untucked them from that space between his shoulder blades – that pin point that he kept them locked up in like a vault. He would have called it some sort of magic had he no better word for it. He knew it was more than that, though, more than any of them combined.

Chanyeol – unlike Jongin – thanked the gods he could not see for their blessings.

“You’re daydreaming again.” Baekhyun murmured after a while of silence, plucking at the metal links in his necklace. He was always fiddling with it, hand over his chest when he was nervous, or fingers running along the length of it all the while keeping the pendant tucked carefully under his clothes. There was never a time when Chanyeol could see the pendant where it hid beneath his shirt or jacket. In fact, the more he stared at it, the more curious he became.

What was it?

Chanyeol shrugged after a while, in response to Baekhyun’s comment. “Am I not allowed?” and thankfully that actually made the man laugh. It wasn’t sweet and soft like he would have imagined. It was loud and made him grin ear to ear when hearing it. It was genuine and fit who Chanyeol was learning Baekhyun was.

Before either of them was able to say another word, Jongin stepped into the room and excused the interruption. Though he wasn’t interrupting very much, really.

“I’m going out to fly, either of you care to join me?” Jongin knew exactly what he was saying – knew that Baekhyun couldn’t fly, but that Chanyeol would offer to carry him if he wanted to join them. Maybe he wouldn’t have done that when they had first met, but there was some kind of trust between them now.

In tandem with the sparking friendship they had been building at over the past month.

Both of them looked at the other, as if gauging their reactions. Baekhyun held back a smile, but Chanyeol could see past the thin line of expression where he kept his emotions hidden. Baekhyun’s reserve had been deteriorating over the past month, enough so that Chanyeol could see the real him beneath all the layer of hurt and pain. Though, he knew the hurt and pain was a very real part of him as well.

It almost seemed like being around Jongin and Chanyeol made Baekhyun better, made him hurt less. Chanyeol was glad for that.

“If you’ll let me.” Baekhyun said after a while, looking between the two of them. Jongin held his hands up, stepping away and letting Chanyeol call that one. But he only nodded and let off a small wave of heat, wings expanding in his mind as he imagined sweeping through the skies.

Picturing the many dreams he had over the past few weeks only made him weary of what could happen if he let the heat and flames overcome him, not fearful. Chanyeol had vowed to keep a tight rein over them when he flew, and especially now that he would be flying with Baekhyun.

Chanyeol wouldn’t risk hurting his friend – and Baekhyun was his friend now.

Jongin nodded when he felt the heat and was out the door in the next, “Let’s go then.”

 

“Where are we going?” Baekhyun had asked after a long while. The three of them were in the car, mostly because flying out in the middle of the city’s streets wasn’t as inconspicuous as they needed. Instead, Jongin usually drove out to the cliffs and mountain tops that they flew from, giving them the distance from mortals that they needed, as well the height they required to actually soar into the cloudy northwestern skies.

Chanyeol was the one that answered his question, a smile dawning on his face as he replied, “You can’t expect us to take flight in the middle of the street can you?” he shook his head effectively answering his own question. “It’s much easier to get somewhere where there’s distance between us and the ground, so that we can show you exactly how it is to fly. We’ll do a practice round before we take you up with us, so you can see what it looks like. And then you can decide if you’d actually like to fly with us.”

Baekhyun looked for a moment as if he was going to say he didn’t need to see them practice, and Chanyeol wondered if Jongin had taken the other immortal flying with him in a past life, or if Baekhyun knew other immortals with the ability to fly. Chanyeol knew that they weren’t the only creatures with the ability, but he found it hard to believe there were many other immortals like him and Jongin that were willing to take an outsider flying with them.

And not “accidentally” drop him to his death.

When they got to the flying site, Jongin grinned wide at Chanyeol. They were both excited to begin, both excited to finally let their wings loose. It had been a while since he had gone flying with Jongin, and this would be the first time since meeting Baekhyun that he would be tagging along with the two of them when they went out. As much as Chanyeol liked spending time with Baekhyun inside the apartment, getting to know him and asking him questions about the world…He was also really looking forward to the look on Baekhyun’s face when Chanyeol let his wings open at his back, and when he fell from that cliff only to soar into the open sky.

Even just the thought of it had his skin tingling, the heat in his body expanding and coming off in visible waves through the car. He could sense then, a similar heat from Jongin in the front seat, and maybe it was just his imagination, but it almost seemed like he could smell smoke and flames off of Baekhyun, too.

Perhaps the smaller immortal had just been spending too much time with them that their scent was rubbing off on him. Whatever the reason, Chanyeol disregarded it as he got out from the car, much too excited to stall anymore than he already was. Eagerly grabbing at the small packs they had taken with them to hike up a little ways toward the cliff’s edge, he turned to Baekhyun with eyes alight.

“Hurry.” He urged, and then was off.

 

As promised, Jongin and Chanyeol went for practice rounds when they had reached the top of the cliff, setting up a few things here and there. It was more than just a few passes of flying, maybe even for just a few hours. No, Jongin had packed like they were going on a camping trip, and without telling Baekhyun, they had prepared enough supplies for the three of them. Over the last several months, Jongin had often done this with Chanyeol – at first to show, or rather, remind him how to use his wings, and then just to enjoy the time together as they soared through the sky. It was a freeing sensation, with the wind gleaning through their wings and rushing at their skin. It brought with it a pure, absolute high that Chanyeol had never experienced before.

Or at least, something that he could not remember experiencing before. Even in the memory-dreams he had over the past few months since being reborn, he hadn’t the chance yet to actually feel the sensation of the memories. Most were dark, clouded, yet still more sensation than the “fake” memories his body seemed to vaguely remember, like that of his parents. Jongin had blamed them on the gods that breathed life into them all.

But Chanyeol still continued to thank them for any blessings they may give him.

Touching back down, he looked up to see Baekhyun’s eyes lit with a kind of fervor that he couldn’t quite describe. He seemed just as excited, just as eager to take to the skies as Chanyeol and Jongin had – maybe even more so. There was something in Baekhyun that leapt towards him, just like how he often leapt forward off the cliff’s edge and opened his wings before falling.

Baekhyun even stepped closer to him, a silent plea for Chanyeol to take him up in his arms and go flying around in the beautifully rich sky.

“Are you ready?” Chanyeol asked before nodding at Baekhyun, urging him to come forward more and to allow Chanyeol to pull him up into his arms. Though he had really just recently been reborn, he was still strong. Jongin had made him practice carrying things across great distances after the first time he had flown, and more and more after that first time, too. He had no qualms about his ability to pick Baekhyun up and carry him through the skies, no worries that his wings would fail him as long as he was careful with how much heat he torched through them, allowing himself to propel himself further forward.

Maybe he wanted to show off a little bit too, because as soon as Baekhyun nodded, he grinned wide and opened his wings back up to show the other immortal how vibrant they were. Colors that spanned the rainbow, with the inner feathers a more white-blue. Chanyeol had always wondered what would happen if he were to pluck one of his feathers out, if it would remain the same color or turn to ashes like his body did at the end of every life. When he had tried the last time to easily pluck out one of his own feathers, he had stopped because of the pain.

He hadn’t wanted to find out quite so much after that.

Drinking in the expression Baekhyun had on his face, he wondered what he was thinking about – what thoughts were running through his mind?

Chanyeol did not have to wonder for very long, not when Baekhyun spoke his thoughts aloud.

“They’re so beautiful.” He murmured, voice soft as if in exaltation. No one had ever said that about his wings before, and maybe they would have if he had shown anyone but Jongin. No one had even looked at him in the same way that Baekhyun was right now – like he was the most beautiful person in the whole world.

A flame rose across his cheeks – a blush – and cascaded down into his chest where it burst and ignited into something else entirely. Chanyeol was not sure what it was – could not fathom what this impossible feeling was, but he didn’t hate it.

In fact, he craved more of it.

Before he was able to say anything he might regret, he brought Baekhyun’s body closer to his, arms going around his knees to bring him to his chest, and then he turned and jumped…

The feeling of falling this time was exhilarating, more than a memory and more than a dream. Chanyeol loved the feeling of free falling, loved the feeling of his wings as they tucked in, and then expanded in a snap fashion, dragging his body up and up and up until he was cutting through the clouds with Baekhyun pressed close to his chest. The man’s eyes were perpetually lit up in wonder when Chanyeol looked down at him. There was a familiarity in his stare and expression that Chanyeol yet again could not place, only making him wonder if Baekhyun had experienced something close to this in the past, or if it was just a first time flyer’s excitement.

But there was no screaming, yelling or whooping in excitement from him. He was utterly speechless, yet amazed all at the same time. His fingers reached out to touch the dewy clouds and feel the light air on his skin. The precipitation that fell around them as they passed through a low cloud lit up Baekhyun’s features like the night sky. No light pollution, just natural beauty right there in front of him. Chanyeol could not help but stare either – speechless just as Baekhyun was.

What was this feeling coming alive in his chest? He wasn’t sure what to call it.

Chanyeol did a few more rounds, soaring and dipping and just having fun. He even heard a light laugh escape Baekhyun’s lips – so innocent and fun and lovely – he felt that pack of heat in his chest a few more times, not knowing exactly what to call it. Perhaps it was related to his excitement for flying, maybe even an excitement for sharing the experience with a friend.

Or maybe it was something more that he was just beginning to see – maybe it was something he couldn’t quite comprehend right now.

They touched back down on the cliff’s edge and Baekhyun couldn’t say a word. All he did was look back at Chanyeol with an open-mouthed expression that spoke silently of his feelings towards the experience. But Chanyeol paid less attention to the look on Baekhyun’s face now, and more attention to the necklace dangling from his throat – now on display so that Chanyeol could actually see the pendant that had always laid beneath Baekhyun’s clothing.

Except it wasn’t a pendant – it was a feather.

Voice taut and trying to breathe calmly when he asked, “Where did you get that?” and it wasn’t before Jongin heard the way Chanyeol’s voice changed that he took a step forward, as if to take the necklace from around Baekhyun’s throat.

It was one of his feather’s, almost exactly like one of the inner most feather that laid along his spine where the bone rippled out from between his shoulder blades. One of the very feathers that he had imagined plucking out himself to see if it turned to ash, changed color, or remained the same. He supposed he had his answer now, but how in all the world had Baekhyun gotten his hands on it?

Clearly he had gotten it far before either of the two had met, according to the wear on the chain that held the feather. Chanyeol wanted to reach out still, if not to take it but to touch it and feel what it felt like. Had it turned hard or was it still light and soft as his wings and their feathers were at his back? How did Baekhyun even get his hands on one of his feathers? He knew that this was one of his. He just knew.

Jongin stepped in before either of them could say anything, before Baekhyun could reply to Chanyeol’s question, and far before Chanyeol even had the chance to take it from around Baekhyun’s neck.

“Maybe we should all sit down and explain a few things – some very important things.” Jongin tried to say, tried to get all three of them to come off the cliff’s edge before something bad happened. Both he and Chanyeol could fly, but by the look in Jongin’s eye, he was more worried for Baekhyun and what would happen if Chanyeol got upset with him.

Baekhyun couldn’t fly.

But he could explain things – and so he did, first asking Jongin to leave, or to at least give them some privacy.

“I’ll tell him, Jongin.” He said in that soft, yet commanding voice of his. Chanyeol listened to his voice, and despite feeling confused about the feather, as well as feeling that burning sensation in his chest that wouldn’t cease to go away whenever he looked at Baekhyun. He stayed where he was. He would listen to Baekhyun’s explanation, because he knew for a fact that he did not know anything in the slightest about who this man was, where he had been, or who they were to each other. Chanyeol had known him now only for just barely over a month, and he knew there were secrets that a month of friendship could not uncover or even begin to explore.

So Jongin listened, though the expression on his face told Chanyeol that his fellow phoenix wanted to do anything but leave. However, with Baekhyun’s gaze fixed on him, almost pleading in the way he looked over, Jongin only nodded before he stretched his wings and took to the sky, giving them some privacy.

Baekhyun then turned to him and with a deep breath, motioned him closer to where they had set up camp, “I have some things to explain.” He started…

 

_“You can’t leave me.” Baekhyun cried, voice catching in his throat and coming out raw thanks to the tears stinging his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. “You promised that you wouldn’t leave me.”_

_But Chanyeol only shook his head, as much as he possibly could without wincing from the pain in his side. He hadn’t meant to die like this – he hadn’t meant to die at all. But there were those that would harm them, those that would maim and tear and cut away at the two of them because of not only what they were to each other, but what they were to the world. Immortal, non-human beings that held more power in their pinkies than any mortal did in their entire body, in their entire soul._

_The mortals were jealous of their love – and so in reply, they cut their love to pieces, exposing the cracks and fragments and shards lying on the floor. That was what Chanyeol felt like now. Like a broken piece left on the ground, forgotten._

_But he wasn’t forgotten, and he knew by just looking at Baekhyun that his soulmate would not forget him for all the world. Even this little piece of right now, he would remember with painstaking accuracy. Chanyeol felt bad for him, that he would remember while Chanyeol was gone. If things worked out the way he hoped though, he would return soon in a new, healed body, and he would remember the pain and terror, too._

_They would not forget, but live through the memories together._

_“I promised that I wouldn’t forget.” His voice was hoarse and he coughed, speckles of blood forming on his tanned skin as he lifted his arm to shield Baekhyun from the spray. He groaned at the sight, but continued, “And I won’t. I won’t forget you, Baekhyun. We can continue where we left off once I return. I’ll find you again in my next life – I promise that.”_

_There was still that look of pain in Baekhyun’s eyes, and Chanyeol knew that it would be there for a great long while, even if he did return as soon as he hoped that he would. Maybe he could ease the pain somehow, and maybe he could find a better way in his next life than scouring the whole earth to find his lost one. There had to be a better way of finding each other in his next life._

_So he tried to sit up despite the pain and let his wings unfurl from where they rested securely against his back. They had expanded to protect Baekhyun after the mortals had done their damage to him, and had even lashed out on their own with his flames and burning streaks before the traitorous mortals had run like the cowards they were. It angered him to think of it – angered him more to think that they would harm Baekhyun than if they were to harm him. And that told him enough of their bond that he did not bother to hesitate when he nodded slowly toward his back, wings unfurled._

_“Take one of the inner feathers, along my spine.” He instructed, “I’ve heard stories of other phoenix gifting their feathers, pieces of their wings, to those they love or those that are important to them. Some even sell their feathers for invaluables. I’ve never seen it done before, and I have no idea if it will even work after my body has turned to ash. I don’t know if the feather will disappear when this body does, or if it will remain with you, as a piece of my soul does.” Chanyeol coughed, words getting harder to say as he lost more and more blood. He felt weak, close to death. “But take it from me. It is yours forever, just as my heart is.”_

_Baekhyun hesitated for quite a while before Chanyeol nudged him, begging him quietly, blood staining his lips as he pleaded with his soulmate to just take one of the feathers, no matter how much more pain it would cause him to have it plucked out._

_He was glad that Baekhyun did it quickly, then, as the pain seared its way through his body and rose a storm of fire in his heart. He felt the bond grow taut as Baekhyun took the feather, and then spring to life before his body started to wither even more. Chanyeol crumpled back into Baekhyun’s arms, only for a soft mewl of terror to escape his soulmate’s lips, a plea for him to stay._

_“I love you.” He murmured, voice not strong enough to talk above a whisper. “And I will always remember you.”_

_With that, Chanyeol died…_

He remembered. He did not remember it all, but as soon as Baekhyun started to tell him of their story, of their past together, the memories sprung forward just as quickly. It was like walking through fog at first, trying to find his way through darkness without a flashlight or without the sun’s warmth beaming down on him.

But then the memory had charged forward like a warrior ready for battle, and he had flinched against the memory – of the hard, dark nature of it. It seemed that many of his new memories were of his past deaths, of past pains that he was now living through. It was overwhelming, scary even, but Chanyeol knew that it was important. He felt the familiar fire rise in his chest as he looked over at Baekhyun, and suddenly he knew exactly why. He had felt it from that first night, though he hadn’t put a name to it. Chanyeol had assumed it was because he was meeting a new immortal, someone like him, but this was different now.

The feeling was richer, with more depth to it than before. He wondered if that was because of the memories flooding back to him, or if it was because of the time the two had spent together in this new life.

Whatever it was, the heat and urgent nature of it pulled him forward, almost so that he was leaning into Baekhyun, but not touching him.

Baekhyun’s eyes seemed to cower before him, trying to make himself look smaller before Chanyeol so as to humble himself, so as not to seem like a threat. But he wasn’t a threat, could not possibly be a threat. Baekhyun was his soulmate.

The word echoed in his head, and he would have never thought such a word could exist for him. Not when Jongin had mentioned it in passing – saying how some phoenix, as well as some other immortals, had things called soulmates. For phoenix, whether they lived one or a thousand lives, their soulmate was theirs, and theirs alone. They would follow them to the ends of the world just to be with them, and would not care if their mortal bodies changed. Their soulmates would not care if their name changed.

Chanyeol found it…overwhelming, yet exciting. He had a _soulmate_.

“I didn’t want to scare you away, I have never wanted to scare you away.” Baekhyun said softly, hands reaching out only to pull back and away, hesitant. “In every life, I let you breathe on your own, ever since that first time. As soon as I found out that your memories remained with your past life, that they did not transfer or mingle or mix with your new body and mind…I left you alone as much as I could. I let you be your own person, to figure your own way through this new life.” He was pained, Chanyeol could immediately tell. This whole experience for Baekhyun was one hard, painful thing. It wasn’t fair for him.

So Chanyeol cut him off, “But I’m starting to remember now.” He said, grinning encouragingly. He even went so far as to reach out to Baekhyun, as if to take his hand. Baekhyun hesitated once more before he let Chanyeol’s hands take his. There was a familiar, safe warmth there that Chanyeol could feel himself missing. Memories, images – though hazy and slow – flooded him after a while, and he couldn’t believe he was finally remembering.

Baekhyun shook his head, “This is the first time.” He replied. “Every life, every few centuries, you would return but not know my name, not even know who _you_ were. Some lives you thought yourself mortal, while others you knew who you were and what you could do.” Baekhyun shook his head, “But you continued to forget me. In each and every life.”

There was a bout of silence between them for quite a while before Chanyeol was lifting up on his knees, trying to drag Baekhyun up with him, but allowing for him to remain where he was seated. Chanyeol’s expression grew hard and serious as he spoke.

“I’m sorry that I broke my promise.” He shook his head, growing a little angry at himself for forgetting their lives together, one after another. The memories were so precious, how could the gods have let him forget? “I remember now, not that it makes up for all the past lives, or all of the things I’ve done or said in the past because of the memory loss. I’m learning, and I don’t remember everything.” Chanyeol ground his teeth together as he pointed at the feather still dangling free from Baekhyun neck, accenting his collarbones like it belonged there. And it forever would, if he had a say in it. “But I remember when I gave that to you – and I know that nothing can ever make up for the loss of time, but please have me now? As I am in this life?”

Again, silence stretched as Baekhyun’s eyes went wide. Chanyeol still wasn’t sure what the other man was thinking, not until he said it aloud, words falling from his lips not as a prayer this time, but as a promise of his own.

“Of course.” He vowed.

Chanyeol let himself smile then, a real genuine smile that lit up his entire face. He could see the reflection of his flames in Baekhyun’s eyes, and enjoyed it even more when he did not see Baekhyun pulling away in fear of his heat and flames. But of course he wouldn’t pull away in fear. Vague, flashy memories told him of how many times the two had come close while Chanyeol had been burning, flaring up in sparks of red, orange, blue, and even green. A memory of Baekhyun atop him, head thrown back while flames engulfed the both of them.

 _Burn me_ , he would beg. But the flames couldn’t hurt him – wouldn’t hurt him. So Baekhyun had always settled for a kiss that ignited the both of them and turned them down to cinders.

Dangerous, passionate, everlasting. Chanyeol reached across the empty space to draw his soulmate closer to him, letting the sparks erupt again in this life, a promise of more to come…

 

 

**_Glow_ **

****

“You have my heart, my body, my soul…and I wouldn’t want it to be any other way…” he had murmured, face buried in Chanyeol’s chest as he spoke the words softly, masking their honesty in the comfort of his soulmate’s sweater. The truth did not hurt in this case, it only ached a little to finally be able to speak the truth without hearing or seeing any lasting negative effects of it. If Baekhyun had spoken earlier – or in any other life – he would have received confused looks and probably would not have had the chance to live as freely with Chanyeol as he would have liked.

As it was, nothing would ever compare to that first life of theirs. One would have assumed their love would grow – shine brighter with each passing year, decade, century…

But the truth was, it diminished like a blinking star, fading and dying to create a black hole that became a loss of Chanyeol’s memories. Though Baekhyun had been the one to remember, his memories were one sided. They were faded and biased and meant so little in the world if they did not have a twin. His memories were his own, but how could they live and breath without their counterpart?

Chanyeol’s breathing fell loose atop his head, signifying that his soulmate was still asleep even as he cuddled closer and closer to him, invading his private space. Chanyeol was a deep sleeper, even though Baekhyun had learned through the centuries to be more of a light sleeper. There had been a time in their first life together where he could waste a good portion of their days together cuddled up on the bed or couch, deep in sleep. Hours would pass by with them cuddled close, breathing deep as they slept together innocently.

It had been a different time, a different place, and had different consequences. There had been no long lasting effects at the time of such a thing, no more than the two growing closer and more intimate in what they shared as well as did together.

But that had been a simpler time, it seemed, when Baekhyun could mimic Chanyeol’s brightness and set off a glow of his own, shining brightly in his own to show exactly how much Chanyeol meant to him, and how much he would mean to him forever. The brightness that he had absorbed into his skin over the years – of which he had only assumed meant that the two were truly meant to be together, meant to be soulmates – had started to fade every time Chanyeol died and then came back without his memories.

Every new life, Baekhyun’s light seemed to dim more and more. He was like the moon, and Chanyeol the sun. He was the one that absorbed the light Chanyeol gave off, letting it reflect when the sun was down, or had effectively burned out.

But after so long…his light had started to diminish, too, and he wasn’t sure how to get it back without Chanyeol being there.

Of course, the whole concept, Baekhyun knew, was all completely metaphorical. As far as he knew, he did not have a special power or affinity. He was simply immortal, unable to die or be killed. It had hurt enough at first – losing Chanyeol – that he had gone to extremes to try to rid himself of the world. That had been after Chanyeol’s second life, when Baekhyun had learned his soulmate did not remember absolutely one thing about him.

And probably never would.

He had regretted it afterwards, but that had not stopped him from trying again every few centuries, the warmth in his chest fading as the years passed on. At first it had seemed too warm, too hot, and then as Chanyeol’s death got further out, further away in his memories, the feather had faded to a simple gleam and slight warmth against his chest. There were times when he couldn’t distinguish it from his own body heat, his own natural brightness.

Baekhyun regretted a lot of things in his long life, but he was going to be better, he had promised himself that. He had a sit down with Chanyeol after a while of him starting to remember, after Chanyeol had remembered the moment he had let Baekhyun take one of his feathers to keep and to remind himself. Chanyeol had sat Baekhyun down, too and begged him not to harm himself, saying it would only break his heart. And it absolutely did look like it broke Chanyeol’s heart to hear such a thing from him, even joking as he did.

He wasn’t ready to tell Chanyeol the truth behind it all though – not the lonely, empty feeling in his chest after every one of Chanyeol’s deaths. Or the rush and sudden warmth he felt every time he did indeed try to harm himself.

It was like the feather at his heart sprung alive each time, with a warning for Baekhyun to keep himself safe for Chanyeol’s next life. It felt like his soulmate was there with him again, wrapping his arms around him and whispering _no_ in his ear every time he did something dangerous. He never died – never hurt himself more than a few scraps and bruises, which healed all too quickly.

Baekhyun was an immortal that could not feel everlasting hurt physically. His bruises faded, his scrapped up body healed in no time at all…but the emotional and mental pain was still there. That almost made it worse – so much worse.

He listened intently to the sound of Chanyeol’s breathing, trying to clear his head of the dark thoughts swirling through his mind. It wasn’t healthy to rely so heavily on those thoughts, not when Chanyeol was lying there right beside him, his warmth and light feeding into Baekhyun like the sun itself. Even just looking at himself in Chanyeol’s presence, it was like Baekhyun was glowing too – brighter than he had in so very long…

Distracted by his own thoughts, Baekhyun barely even realized when Chanyeol awoke, blinking slowly and then looking down at him only to whisper, “You look sad.”

Baekhyun looked up, a little shocked at his soulmate’s sudden voice. He shook his head, going to say that he wasn’t sad, but then he felt his throat tighten as he tried to come up with the words to say. It would be a lie if he said he wasn’t, but it was also the truth in a way. He was sad, yet happy, too. Baekhyun was not completely sure how to pronounce his feelings in words alone, so he only shook his head and leaned forward, pressing his lips to Chanyeol’s.

Even after sleep, he tasted like warmth and brightness and the sun. He smelled like burning incense deep in the woods, heady and intoxicating…and he just couldn’t get enough.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure when he started to cry, but Chanyeol felt the tears before he did, making note of it as he pushed Baekhyun away to wipe at them, kissing a few away as they fell down his cheeks and stained his skin with salt.

“Don’t cry.” Chanyeol murmured, voice husky from sleep, but caring and sweet all the same. He shook his head and then he was moving to get closer to Chanyeol, to let his body heat spread through him and warm him of the ice Baekhyun felt spreading through his heart. There was a cold gleam surfacing in him that he needed to warm himself of. Baekhyun really wasn’t sure where any of this was coming from, just that it had come on suddenly, and had been coming on more in the past few months since Chanyeol had started to remember him.

It was more painful now than it had been when Chanyeol had died – like he himself was coming alive again, only allowing himself to glow brightly now that Chanyeol could remember him in some regard.

It was an odd sensation that he had never been aware he could feel – gleaming on his own – but there he was, glowing softly in Chanyeol’s presence as if Chanyeol was the sun, and Baekhyun the moon. The metaphor for their relationship – as the moon constantly chased after the sun for not only his warmth, but his light. And the moon reflected the sun’s light when he was not around.

Baekhyun’s light dimmed in comparison when Chanyeol was not around, and his tears only spoke of how much he had missed moments like these.

Chanyeol continued to cradle Baekhyun in his arms – now the support system that he needed in so many of the last few centuries. His whispered words – in both English as well as Korean, their native language – broke his heart more and more…but also repaired it.

“Shh, don’t cry.” Chanyeol continued to say, and though his soulmate was not the one that had a talent for singing, Chanyeol sang to Baekhyun nonetheless. A song that Baekhyun had almost forgotten himself – but one that he remembered now, and would always remember as the first song he had sung to his soulmate. The tears continued as Chanyeol whisper-sang the lyrics, voice rising in odd tones, but sweet all the same.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure how long the two stayed in that position, but eventually the two fell back asleep – Chanyeol’s arms loose around Baekhyun shoulders, hands cradling his head to his chest, and Baekhyun’s arms wrapped loosely around Chanyeol’s larger torso.

He barely heard it when Jongin went to check on them later that same evening, the memory of him opening the door almost more of a dream than an actual memory. His soft pattering footsteps as he tiptoed away, and the quiet yet tender gasp Jongin let escape as he saw the position that the two of them were in.

When Baekhyun awoke in Chanyeol’s arms the following morning, his eyes were dry, and his skin like backlit alabaster…

 

The next few weeks were better, with Baekhyun able to reign in his emotions more, but also knowing when and where to express them, as well. He left the sentimental, caring moments for when he and Chanyeol were alone. And though he had taken to telling Chanyeol stories of their past lives to fill in the missing holes in his memories, there were still things he couldn’t quite bring himself to say aloud.

So he showed Chanyeol.

The first few times they had slept together since Chanyeol’s memories had returned had Baekhyun wanting to cry again. And perhaps it was silly and too emotional of him to actually break down in tears after the fact – and maybe Chanyeol even teased him about it, too, asking _Is my dick that good that you’re crying?_ But Chanyeol knew the reason why Baekhyun teared up, and he was careful to hug him close when they were done. Rough, soft…however they made love each night, Chanyeol cradled Baekhyun in his arms as if they both needed the comfort, and not just Baekhyun.

To be quiet honest, Chanyeol seemed overwhelmed at times, too, so Baekhyun was glad he was not the only one.

Memories were hard things – hard to place, hard to remember, especially when one had forgotten them in many lives and centuries past. There were tons of lives to remember, tons to recollect and try to reorganize. Baekhyun often had Chanyeol asking him the timeline of their lives together, asking which ones came first, where they had lived, and what they had done in those lives. Baekhyun could only, unfortunately, speak for himself, but he promised to draw out a timeline of their lives together.

Of every time Baekhyun felt that heat arise back in his chest.

Their first life together, he documented in surprising detail. Chanyeol was speechless about everything Baekhyun had wrote – a journal of events that was probably poorly written, but of which had taken him about two weeks to write. He had pored his heart and soul into that empty journal, and hopefully it would continue to be a reminder for Chanyeol in his next life – whether he fought to remember his past lives, or he forgot them all over again.

This time there was documentation. Baekhyun should have started that a long time ago, but it was better late then never…

“We…” Chanyeol started, and then paused, “We lived such a beautiful life together.” He finally said, voice close to tears. Baekhyun was not the only emotional one in this relationship, and he supposed he was glad that he was not. Chanyeol cried often in past lives, enough to make up for all the times Baekhyun had wept in this one.

He leaned against his soulmate’s body, wanting nothing more than to be close to his phoenix. Baekhyun smiled gently, lips curling up in the corners as he did so. He watched Chanyeol’s face in wonder as it moved through so many different emotions, and then as it looked over and down at him sitting close by with a question in Chanyeol’s eyes.

“Yes?” Baekhyun asked, waiting for the question he knew was coming.

But Chanyeol shook his head before laughing softly, looking away, and then looking like he had something caught in his throat – words that he either could not say aloud, or thoughts that he was having a hard time voicing and putting actual words to. Baekhyun decided it was probably the latter.

“How do you do this? All the emotions that come with these memories? They’re….too much.” Baekhyun knew exactly what he meant, and he could only imagine what Chanyeol was going through, with all these vast and bottomless emotions sparking from seemingly nothing. There was one minute when he had nothing, could remember nothing but fake useless memories, while in the next he was remembering and imagining a man that he had only just met. The very same man that was supposed to be his soulmate, his lover, his other half.

Baekhyun hadn’t expected for Chanyeol to come so quickly to the truth, whether he accepted it or not. He had been pleasantly surprised to see Chanyeol dive straight into everything they had been – and had the potential to be. It still made him draw back at times, as if he had to mentally picture that this was the right thing to do or say or touch. He almost looked at Baekhyun like he could break him, too, but then Baekhyun only proved that it should be Chanyeol worrying about the one being broken.

Baekhyun was the one healing all of his own cracks and tears.

He shook his head and sighed when he responded, kissing Chanyeol’s cheek, “It gets easier as time goes on. The pain fades in places, though it does hurt more in others. I have learned to…deal with the pain as time has passed. It becomes a dull pain after a while, almost like it isn’t even there. A slow ache in your side.” Baekhyun realized that he wasn’t making Chanyeol feel any better, so he shook his head, “My pain is different though.” And he smiled lovingly up at his soulmate, “I had lost you for so long that it hurt to do anything else. But now I have you back, your memories are returning. And you have nothing to fear. I promise that I’m not going anywhere.”

_Baekhyun didn’t realize that Chanyeol wouldn’t be the only one to break a promise._

 

When Chanyeol offered to take them away – to fly, or drive, or sail – he had been a little speechless. Chanyeol was determined to go somewhere with Baekhyun, letting the past fall behind them, especially when he saw how much it was affecting him.

“I don’t like seeing you upset – whether it’s over my lack of memories, or of the lost time between us.” Chanyeol sighed as his too-large hands went up to cradle Baekhyun’s cheek in his palm. They were both soft and caring with each other, it only showed more on Chanyeol’s side as he had a larger physical presence than Baekhyun did. Though Baekhyun made up for his size in other ways…

He shook his head, though not before he leaned into Chanyeol’s touch and closed his eyes at the tender feeling. It was rare when he did not indulge in his soulmate’s touch and love, and this would be no different, so he would not fight Chanyeol on this matter.

“If you want to go, I’ll follow.” He answered, smile spreading over his lips, “You should know by now that I would follow you anywhere, even across the world.”

And so they went – Baekhyun unsure of where, but it would be somewhere together, and that was truly all that mattered…

 

He felt it more with the oncoming days, this blindingly strange sensation through his chest. He had always thought it was the feather at his heart, and the relief that washed over him in every life that he found Chanyeol again. It only made sense that this was the reason for the rush of heat and warmth and love that enveloped him throughout his days. But it seemed something more now – something so much more overwhelming than he had originally thought.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure which words to use to describe it, but Chanyeol commented on it a few times, offering him encouraging words that somehow fell under Baekhyun looking more “bright, almost glowing”. Chanyeol put it up to himself, saying that his energy must have been rubbing off on him, but Baekhyun had a feeling that it was something much different.

He contacted Jongdae about it while he and Chanyeol were in Greece. Their travel wasn’t just sectioned off to places they had been in the past, of course, but places that Chanyeol could not remember ever going to, places neither of them had truly ever gone to before, and all for the sake of them creating more, new memories together.

Baekhyun had absolutely no objections, and in fact he found himself smiling and laughing more these days than he had in quite some centuries. Even with the fear in the pit of his stomach that something was going to go awfully wrong.

Jongdae only confirmed his suspicions.

 

 _“I didn’t know what you were at first, I mean how could I when we had literally just met_?” Jongdae had asked over the phone, his laughter filling Baekhyun’s ear. He huffed a breath of a sigh before he heard Jongdae continue _, “But then we started becoming friends, and you had mentioned so many times that you didn’t know what kind of immortal you were. How could I not try to look into it for you? I have a knack for energies and…it was impossible not to dig deeper.”_

Baekhyun tried to hold still while listening to Jongdae, especially as there was a ruffle of papers and a knock on the door. Jongdae left the phone for a moment to answer, only telling the person to come back later. Baekhyun wasn’t sure who it was, nor did he need to know.

He waited rather impatiently for Jongdae to come back to the phone, his air a rush as he blew it out and into the speaker. Baekhyun waited.

 _“Okay, still there?”_ he made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat before Jongdae replied _, “Alright! So, when I was first looking into it, I thought ‘well maybe he’s also a phoenix like Chanyeol and just doesn’t have the wings and reincarnation to show for it?’ but that proved a dead end when I started looking more into how phoenix are made and born and live. You’re definitely not a phoenix.”_ Jongdae rattled off a few other theories, saying how he thought perhaps Baekhyun was a deva and how the translation of the creature literally meant “exalted, shining one”. Jongdae even laughed at that a little _, “You really do shine at times, and I never understood it, always thought I was seeing things or it was just my own abilities messing with my head. But it just got brighter and brighter every time Chanyeol was reborn, and then dimmer – but still there – whenever he died.”_

Baekhyun didn’t know what to say, and didn’t really know where Jongdae was going with this. So he asked.

“And? So am I this deva thing or something else entirely?” he asked, now getting more impatient as he whispered the words. Checking back over his shoulder, he had to smile slightly at Chanyeol’s long body sprawled out on the bed they were sharing. They had decided to stay in a little bed-and-breakfast place while in Greece, the owners kind and generous to extend their own home despite the vacation season having just ended a month or so prior. Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel absolutely blessed that this was his life – living and loving and traveling with his soulmate.

A soulmate that actually remembered who he was for once.

 _“No, no, you’re even better than that.”_ And Baekhyun could hear Jongdae’s excitement over the phone, like a puppy bouncing up and down when getting a new toy _. “I was going to mention it much earlier, when I originally found out, but every time I mentioned it you were always adamant on not knowing anymore, always saying that there were much more important things out there that needed your attention. Whether that was finding Chanyeol, or finding yourself again.”_

The line went silent and there was an awkward pause between them as they both remembered the few times when Baekhyun had lost himself along the way – wanting to die or be killed or just…not exist. He hadn’t seen the importance of himself, of his life, and especially not of his immortality. All he had been focused on had been his loss and pain.

And even if it hadn’t killed him, he had wanted to die, and that almost seemed worse.

Jongdae huffed a breath over the phone _, “But that’s all said and done, right?”_ he seemed concerned now, too, _“You’re…happier now aren’t you?”_

When Baekhyun had first called Jongdae that night it had been to tell him of Chanyeol, and how his lost soulmate was starting to remember him. He had almost forgotten to tell Jongdae when it had first occurred, but now they were talking and catching up from the last several months, nearly a year since they had seen each other in person. The last time Baekhyun had seen his friends was when Jongdae had tracked Chanyeol down for him with his gifts.

It’d been too long, even if they had gone decades in the past without contacting one another. It still made Baekhyun feel guilty.

He cleared his throat, “So you knew…but are you actually going to tell me now, or do I have to continue guessing?” he didn’t say it in a malicious way, but Jongdae did have a way of dragging out the truth that sometimes Baekhyun grew frustrated with. Now was one of those times, but he was going to learn to be more patient. Especially concerning Chanyeol these days. His lover needed a patient partner, and so he would be that person.

 _“Hold on.”_ Jongdae said, a door opening very slightly on the other side of the phone. Baekhyun could hear the faint rush of wind and then the soft push of waves and water that was obviously just outside the seaside cabin Jongdae resided in _. “Okay, go outside and look up at the sky.”_

“I don’t understand how this explains what I am, Dae.” Baekhyun said, flustered, but Jongdae promised.

 _“C’mon, just do it for my sake.”_ And so he did, rolling his eyes as he padded softly outside the small room, down the hall and then onto the terracotta terrace that led outside. Looking up at the sky as he had been instructed, Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to look at until Jongdae let out a slow breath, like a prayer of some sort _. “Now, close your eyes. When I count to three, open them.”_

He had started to say how stupid and ridiculous this was, but his friend scolded him, demanding he do it.

 _“Or do you really want to know what you are_?” he asked, voice getting harder. Baekhyun grumbled beneath his breath before closing his eyes. _“Closed? Good_.” And Baekhyun could again hear that excitement and smile in his friend’s voice. Just as he felt that pit in his stomach roar open and threaten to swallow him whole.

There weren’t many times where he had been scared – sad, mad, upset maybe, but never truly frightened of anything. Everything he feared always pertained to Chanyeol’s memory and death. But never concerning his own truths.

 _“Three_.” Jongdae started _, “Two.”_ There was a rush of cold air and Baekhyun shivered, heart racing in his chest. Jongdae whispered the last word, barely audible in Baekhyun’s ear _, “One.”_

When he opened his eyes, he almost didn’t notice any difference at first, but then it struck him and he gasped aloud, looking at the sky, and then down at himself. He wasn’t sure how to react, and still wasn’t sure what this meant exactly. He was glowing, bright and blinding and absolutely astonishingly brilliant. He could have lit up the entire city with how bright he was, could have lit up the sky like the moon did, or like the stars that gleamed just as brightly above him. Baekhyun didn’t know what to say.

Jongdae, right before hanging up the phone, replied to Baekhyun’s silence by saying _, “You’re a star, Baekhyun.”_ And then disconnected the call, leaving Baekhyun there speechless...

Chanyeol awoke in the morning to Baekhyun nowhere to be seen, which made him panic a little bit. There were not many days when his soulmate was not there with him, and if he wasn’t, Chanyeol could at least hear him in the other room doing something – taking a shower, cooking breakfast, etc.

How had he lived before Baekhyun? It seemed second nature for the phoenix to wake with his lover’s body so close to his.

“Baekhyun?” he called, voice worried as he got up from bed and padded along the soft tiled floor beneath his feet. The place they were staying was nice, quaint and just right for the two of them. It was quiet enough for them to have time on their own, creating more memories and leading Chanyeol to remember more times of the two together from past lives.

But Baekhyun had at times during their vacation seemed distant. Chanyeol had put it up to the pain he still felt, which would be hard for anyone to get rid of, or forget completely. And he didn’t expect Baekhyun to forget or to get over the pain, how could he? There was centuries worth of pain sitting there in his mind and heart that Chanyeol was only beginning to understand. He couldn’t really fathom what Baekhyun was going through, not even in the slightest.

That still did not explain however, the reason why Baekhyun was sitting on the terrace. His body was curled up into a ball with his face turned up towards the sky, tears streaming from them and falling over his cheeks, now dried but their journeys still evident.

“Hey.” He said softly, going quickly to his soulmate’s side, arm going out to cradle him. Both of them had this caring, nurturing side to them when it came to the other, and Chanyeol felt that he owed Baekhyun some extra care these days as they were in a new place among new people. He wanted to make sure that Baekhyun was enjoying himself just as much as Chanyeol was, but he had a feeling that something was wrong.

A feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him something was very much wrong.

Baekhyun shuddered, head turning and eyes going wide before he gasped in a breath and turned into Chanyeol’s chest.

It was such a tender moment that Chanyeol really wasn’t sure how to react. His memories told him of times when the two needed each other for moments like this, much more so in their first life than in really any of the others. Baekhyun had done so well to cover up the pain in lives past so as not to hurt him that it astounded him now, but did not really surprise him all too much that Baekhyun was letting it all go now, overflowing like a river as he felt his emotions loose and asked for help.

Because by the looks of it, Baekhyun needed some help right now, if not just support.

“I’m fine.” He eventually murmured, getting to his feet without Chanyeol’s help. He was stubborn on fixing and patching himself up, even though Chanyeol was there to help him along the way. He would love to help his soulmate heal, especially as most of Baekhyun’s wounds were caused by Chanyeol and his past deaths. Most of this was his fault, wasn’t it?

Chanyeol wasn’t sure what else to say, but he asked nonetheless, “Are you sure? You didn’t come to bed last night. I thought I heard you talking on the phone, and then I woke and you weren’t there.” And there was a rising in his throat like worry that Baekhyun seemed to catch – turning him into that loving, caring, worrisome soulmate that Chanyeol knew so well. He was shaking his head then, concerned.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke, “I didn’t mean to worry you.” And he grinned bright, like he was reflecting the flames blazing in Chanyeol’s heart, “I’m here. I’m always here.”

There was a silence then as Baekhyun rose to his feet, hands outstretched toward Chanyeol and running his fingertips over his skin as if it was a security measure to actually make sure the other was there. Chanyeol let Baekhyun do it, needing the reassurance as well. With so many memories spiraling along in his head, it was hard to tell what was this life, and what had been the last. They were both so different now that it was hard to tell memory from reality, and reality from dreams. He had dreamt that Baekhyun had been the one to die and now…Chanyeol was finding it hard to control his emotions as they roiled and flooded his senses.

There were also memories that he did not quite understand – memories that were not even of Baekhyun at all. They were harder to remember, as if someone had forcefully pushed them at the back of his head and had caused him to forget. It didn’t make sense, but Jongin had mentioned how unnatural it was for a phoenix to forget their memories. How more unnatural it was for that same phoenix to just start remembering out of nowhere. Chanyeol was an odd case, one that was unlike any other phoenix in the world.

Maybe someone really had been suppressing Chanyeol’s memories all this time. Had they forgotten to suppress them this time, or was it some sort of curse that was just finally wearing off now?

He wasn’t sure, and wasn’t entirely positive that he would ever find out the answer…

The two of them spoke a few words to each other of being honest about what was worrying them – about not letting secrets and pain hold them back from being honest with one another, no matter the terror the other was facing. But Chanyeol could still tell that Baekhyun was holding something back and didn’t want to reveal what it was.

They were packing up their belongings for the day when Chanyeol finally broke and asked him to stop lying – to just tell him what was going through his head.

“There’s something troubling you, I know it.” he said, voice rough and urgent, “And I can feel that you don’t want to tell me. There’s this gnawing pit in my stomach, it’s been there for the past few weeks as I see you start to hide your pain from me.” Chanyeol wanted to choke on his words, especially when he saw Baekhyun looking back at him with a face like he’s seen a ghost, and then had been punched in the gut. Pain and terror. Was it really that bad?

He took a deep breath before he was shaking his head and putting his belongings down on the edge of the bed where they – or at least, he – had slept the night previous. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. And it wasn’t like there was lost love between them either, that much he could tell Baekhyun was intent and proud and eager about. It seemed like it was everything else, the memories, the past…everything that Chanyeol was just now remembering and trying to get a grasp on it.

This was all his fault.

Chanyeol hadn’t realized he said the last part aloud until Baekhyun was right there next to him, skin bright and almost shining as he tried to soothe Chanyeol.

“None of this is your fault.” He consoled, “I’m…different than you are. And I’m just now realizing it. It’s not a bad thing. Of course, it’s not a bad thing that we’re different. But there are…some realizations that I’ve come across that have me terrified too.” and that was when Chanyeol felt closer to the truth when it came to Baekhyun, like maybe this was finally going to be when he revealed what was going on in his head. “I…I don’t want to lose you again, and I know that I’m going to.”

But at hearing that, Chanyeol just shook his head roughly, determined to cheer Baekhyun up and to relieve some of his stress and worry. There was no need for him to be afraid, or for Chanyeol to be afraid of losing him. He was starting to remember, which meant that in his other lives – in the future – he was more likely to remember as well.

“You aren’t going to lose me.” Chanyeol said, frown slipping into place as he felt the heat radiating and reflecting from his body into Baekhyun’s. Like a mirror somehow.

Baekhyun still looked at him with such despair in his eyes that he wasn’t sure any words he said would pull him from this. “I will. Neither of us have control over it, but I always lose you. Every single damn time. And it won’t even be your death this time.”

Chanyeol stood absolutely still, breath caught in his throat as he heard what Baekhyun just said. _It won’t even be your death this time_. What the hell did that mean?

His grip grew tighter on his soulmate as he replied.

“What do you mean.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeol…” Baekhyun started, but he shook his head. Chanyeol wanted – no, needed – to know what Baekhyun meant by that. What did he mean it wasn’t going to be his death this time? Was Baekhyun planning on hurting himself again? He had promised he wasn’t going to do that – not anymore. He had promised that there wasn’t anything that _could_ actually kill him, but that even if he wanted to, he wasn’t going to try something so dumb and futile anyway.

Baekhyun had promised him, was he going against that promise?

The heat in Chanyeol’s chest expanded and only belatedly did he realize that he was burning a bright blue, his worldview tinted the same color as his flames. He was angry and upset and feeling too much at once. He had been trying to control the fire, but there were times when it was too much to handle, too much to control. Times when the pain of the memories and past deaths overwhelmed him, or when Baekhyun was atop him and he was gone to the bliss of the feeling, of his soulmate inside of him, or of him inside his soulmate.

And without really thinking or controlling the fire, it expanded far beyond his reach, turning into something he had never seen before…

“No!” he heard before it was too late. The flames had spread and expanded too much…and then there was something blindingly bright in his face and he was swearing, his own flames receding in the shock of the blinding light. Chanyeol took a step back, hands over his eyes and trying to squint to see what it was that was making that light – what in the gods’ names could possibly have been so bright?

He couldn’t take his hands away from his face for a good long while until his eyes grew slightly more accustomed to the suddenly sharp light in the room, replacing where Baekhyun had been standing. Inside the light, Chanyeol could see the silhouette of his soulmate stark against the white, like it was actually him who had created it.

Like it was Baekhyun the light was coming from.

And then, all too suddenly, the light faded and Baekhyun was falling to the ground, eyes rolling into the back of his head as he just crumpled there right before Chanyeol’s eyes.

Chanyeol screamed before he knew what he was actually doing, “Someone help!”

 

While Baekhyun was unconscious at the local clinic, doctors unsure what had happened to him – and Chanyeol not wanting to divulge all of the peculiarities of the truth of his fainting spell – he had grabbed for Baekhyun’s phone. It wasn’t to go digging around to find some secret hidden messages, or anything of that nature. Baekhyun had mentioned at one point how close he was to an old friend, someone named Jongdae.

Perhaps he would know what had caused that bright glow that had come from Baekhyun and made him faint. At least, Chanyeol hoped he had just fainted…his heartbeat was still there, so that was at least a positive sign.

When he found Jongdae’s number in Baekhyun’s phone – noticing that he was actually Baekhyun’s last call that previous night, he had no qualms in dialing it immediately. He was surprised, though, when Baekhyun’s friend picked up the phone and seemed to know it was him without speaking up first.

“ _Chanyeol_.” He answered the phone, “ _How is he_?”

He glanced back at the doctors in the room, and though their English was broken at best, just enough for them all to communicate the situation to one another, Chanyeol did not want to risk them overhearing and understanding his conversation with Jongdae – and possibly thinking there was foul play at hand.

Because at this point, Chanyeol wasn’t even sure.

Stepping out of the room, his voice was hard when he asked into the phone, “What the hell happened to him? Do you know?”

There was a sigh at the other end before Jongdae actually spoke up with a question of his own, “ _He didn’t tell you what he was this morning, did he?”_ when Chanyeol did not answer – as it was an obvious no – Jongdae continued, “ _He’s become what we would call a supernova, originally a giant star. Immortal just like us, maybe more like you than me. Your memories probably tell you that there’s nothing special about Baekhyun, that’s he’s just immortal and that he can’t die. He’s tried to die so many times, but there’s a…trigger for a star to die. And even if they ‘die’_ ,” Chanyeol could almost hear the air quotes, “ _They never really, truly die. Stars have so much energy inside of them, hydrogen and carbon that burn and burn and burn. Did you know that stars turn into white dwarfs when they die? And even then, they still carry on, burning bright in the cosmos_.” Jongdae was losing him, and he wasn’t sure how this pertained to Baekhyun at all.

How was he a supernova?

“ _In fact, when white dwarfs die, they turn into black dwarfs. But there aren’t actually any black dwarfs out there because even the white ones have such a long lifespan that we haven’t been alive on this earth long enough to see one die. They live for billions of years_.” And there was a smile in Jongdae’s voice – of excitement and wonder. Chanyeol still didn’t understand.

“Okay, sure, but how does this relate to Baekhyun?” he asked, and Jongdae made a clicking sound in the back of his throat before he answered Chanyeol through the phone.

“ _I don’t think you understand. Baekhyun is a star made into flesh. His life has spanned centuries on earth, but before that? You’re not the only one that has forgotten their memories. Before he came to earth…I’m sure Baekhyun doesn’t remember his life in the cosmos, among his family, his brothers and sisters_.” Jongdae sighed, “ _Listen, I know Baekhyun, and I’ve known what he was for a while now without telling him. He just found out yesterday, and I’m sure that’s exactly what is going on now. He’s my best friend, Chanyeol, so trust me when I say that I’m worried for him, too. But…stars lose their energy sometimes, and then they die. You’ve forgotten him in all of your other lives, and he’s been the one to deal with the hurt and loss and pain. The gods probably only think it’s fair that now it’s our turn to suffer_.”

Before Chanyeol could say anything, Jongdae hung up the phone, making him curse as he tried to shout at the other immortal and ask him what he meant by that. Chanyeol could feel the heat blazing under his skin and boiling his blood, making the sharp sinew of his concealed wings tug at the tissue there. He had the urge to take flight, but also to set everything ablaze.

Was this how Baekhyun felt every time Chanyeol died or got hurt?

He didn’t waste time in trying to call Jongdae back for more of an explanation, not when it was possible that he was actually telling the truth that Baekhyun was going to die. How had it all come down to this? He had just started to remember everything…

The doctors were all crowding Baekhyun when Chanyeol came back into the room. They all murmured in Greek, but then spoke in English to tell him that his friend had woken. Without hesitating, Chanyeol asked them to leave. They didn’t seem to want to – not when Baekhyun seemed like so much more of a spectacle with his oddly brilliant, gleaming skin and his eyes that barely opened, but glistened like they had starlight in them.

“Get out!” he told them, pain flexing its way up into his eyes enough that they scattered when he raised his voice at them. Chanyeol did not want to yell, but if they did not leave the room, he was going to break down right in front of them.

As soon as they had left, he was at Baekhyun’s side, hand going to cradle his head so as to sit him up on the bed they had put him on. A hard hospital bed that spoke of no comfort whatsoever. But that barely mattered when Baekhyun was dying, right?

Despite the starlight in his eyes that made them seem cloudy – like he was blind or something along the same lines – he seemed to smile when he saw Chanyeol, even going so far as to reach his own hand up to touch Chanyeol’s cheek, slim fingers tracing lines and patterns that he had never known the meaning behind. Chanyeol decided to ask him now.

“What are those patterns?” whispered words that only the two of them could hear.

Again, Baekhyun smiled, “The universe. Supernovas and stars and whole galaxies. I remember them, but not much else. Just the pattern of them – I’ve been drawing them forever now, it seems. You’re not the only one who’s forgotten.” He replied, just as Jongdae had told Chanyeol moments prior. “They’re so…vast, Chanyeol. The galaxies are so beautiful. I wish you could see them with me. I wish you could go back with me.”

Chanyeol’s heart stilled at that, “No. Where are you going? You’re not allowed to leave without me.”

There was slight pain in Baekhyun’s face when he heard those words, but there was also something about him that didn’t seem quite right. He shook his head, “I said the same thing so many times. You’ve died so many times, Chanyeol. And I could never go with you.”

Silence, except for the heart monitor that grew slower and slower as time passed. Chanyeol wanted to hold on for a little longer – for forever, but knew that was impossible with what both Jongdae, and now Baekhyun was saying. How had it come to this? Really, truly, how was he so unlucky?

“But you aren’t supposed to be the one that dies. You’re supposed to live, Baek…you’re supposed to live and wait for me.” And he knew it was selfish, knew it as it burned him from the inside out. He knew it, and so did Baekhyun, but…he said it anyway in the hopes that it would change any of this. It didn’t.

Baekhyun took in a shaking breath, the light and glow of his skin fading with each struggling breath, “Do you remember when you gave me the feather?” he asked.

Chanyeol nodded, unsure where he was going with this.

A faint smile stretched his beautiful lips as he said, “Good. Now it’s my turn to give you something of myself.” And before Chanyeol could protest or tell him it wasn’t necessary, Baekhyun was closing his eyes and then there was a soft light pouring out of his fingertips, struggling to stay within his palm as it formed a circle and then something else entirely, creating metal and shine and then there was a complete locket within Baekhyun’s palm. There was something gleaming from the inside of the locket though, like a light that couldn’t be put out no matter how hard one tried. Otherworldly, mystical, special…

Baekhyun pushed it into Chanyeol’s free hand, making him take it.

“A piece of myself, just as you gave me.” He explained, “Maybe it’ll help you find me in the sky, maybe you won’t even be able to see me. But I’ll be there, looking down on you for however many years you’re reborn. I’ll die here, but live for another few billion years as another star in the cosmos. Maybe you’ll forget me again, but I won’t ever forget you.” And then there was a starlit tear streaming from Baekhyun’s eye that rolled until it became a crystal so bright it almost looked like a diamond. Chanyeol didn’t dare touch it, “Try to remember me when I’m gone?” he asked Chanyeol, voice breaking as the starlight faded from his eyes.

Suddenly – so, so suddenly – the light had gone from his eyes, his skin, and his entire body. Chanyeol waited for there to be other movement, for the light to return, for it to spring to life again so bright as it had that very morning. But minutes passed by…

Nothing.

His own voice cracked and cut rough against the air as he promised – something he hoped that he would never break.

“I’ll remember you.”

 


End file.
